Tag Archives: friends

Alone – Random Thoughts

My mind has been playing games with me daily, I have been having extreme highs and even more extreme lows. One day, I appreciate the world, the things around me, the people that haven’t strayed away from me and the things I have. The next day, I feel confused, baffled by my lack of energy and determination to go on, alone, depressed and a general hatred for humanity.

I have put myself in situations that may seem stupid or unnecessary to an onlooker, but deep within the depths of my soul, I know these situations were a long-time coming. I stirred the pot and am now paying the consequences of my interference.

But I have come to realize that when you want a change, when you want betterment, when you realize your self-worth and demand it from the people and things around you, it becomes a journey you have to go through alone.

Yes, there are a few souls I am blessed with who check-up on me from time to time, wanting to make sure I am still here and wanting to know that I haven’t let my darkness overcome my soul. These souls, I am ever so grateful for.

However, I cannot be completely open with any of them. I have found myself hiding bitter details from every one of them, whether it’s one thing or another. The soul that truly knows me is the one I hide my miseries from the most because that soul is burdened by their own situations and wouldn’t be able to carry the weight of mine along with theirs.

So, on the nights when my soul and being is dark, low and disturbed, I find myself feeling extremely low and yearning to let everything out. The weight of these burdens feels overwhelming and exhausting causing me to feel alone.

In this moment, the loneliness I feel is beyond any loneliness I have ever felt.

I am coming to realize and understand (slowly), that this is a journey I need to go through alone. No one can save me from the situations I have caused, except for myself. I just wish that all the energy, love and time I had sacrificed for others was reciprocated right now, because fighting your demons on your own is a lonely and scary scenario to overcome.

But I still stand alone and will stand alone for as long as it takes to overcome this chapter of my life because as the saying goes:

This too, shall pass.”

~Tamana

Living Our Best Fake Lives

A couple of days ago I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I have been an active member of Facebook for over nine years. However, over the past couple of weeks, I realized that everything we post on Facebook and other social media platforms is only partially true. We are all living our best fake lives when sharing them on social media websites and apps. We never post pictures of the depression we deal with or the miseries and setbacks we encounter.

Why is that?

Why is it that we must show the world our very best and not things that make us weak or fragile? After all, each and every one of us struggles with something or the other. But why is it that we only capture the good things that happen to us and share those? Why is it okay to suffer in solitude but celebrate in a crowd?

I recently read a quote that said:

We are a sad generation with happy pictures. – author unknown

The quote struck a nerve with me and resulted in me deactivating my Facebook account. I am tired of showing family and a few very close friends only the partial truth of my life. Yes, my Instagram account is still active and I post on it frequently but do you know what the difference between my Facebook and Instagram account is? My Facebook account had all my family from overseas on it and Instagram has a few friends, many acquaintances and tons of strangers on it. On Instagram I am open about my feelings and miseries, I frequently share quotes about things that may be happening in my life at the moment. Quite frankly, on Instagram I don’t care if anyone judges me because they are not family. But on Facebook, I posted the happy family moments, shared my achievements and celebrations. Because somewhere deep down I know that if I shared the miseries or full reality of my life, I would be judged by my family.

How pathetic is that? We wear a mask in front of our family and bare it all for complete strangers. But that is the reality many of us are living.

With all the changes happening in my life right now, I decided I didn’t want to pretend to be a happy person just for the sake of not being judged, so I deactivated my Facebook account. The family that wants to stay in touch with me will do so by other means and if they actually care enough to know what the full reality of my life is they’ll contact me and ask. Simple as that.

I’m done pretending that I’m living my best life, when in reality that isn’t the truth. Everyone has ups and downs in life, some more than others, either way, we all struggle. So, why put on a show pretending that all is perfect and well when the truth is far from that?

~Tamana

Happy Birthday To Me

A few days ago a friend asked what I was going to do for my birthday. Being in my depressed state of mind at the time, (I’ll explain why below), I told her I had nothing to celebrate. I told her we were going to skip my birthday this year.

But after hanging up the phone with her, I started thinking about her question and more importantly my answer. I did have a lot of celebrate this year. Although, things weren’t going as I had planned for the moment, I still had a very successful year.

A dream, a hope, a desire I had only imagined of and hoped for the past 16 years came true this year. It took everything in my power to make it happen, everything that could go initially wrong went wrong, but the matter of fact is that it finally happened. It changed who I am today and who I will be for the rest of my life.

I also finished my course and graduated with honours. It was a struggle going back to school yet again, but one I am proud of because I exceeded my own expectations.

Finally, my solo trip to Thailand and Malaysia. Who would’ve thought a year ago I’d be on the other side of the world, alone, experiencing a whole different life.

I guess, I had quite the blessed year. My life has completely changed. I may have lost people along the way but I have gained so much more than what I lost and I am so grateful for everyone and everything that has happened in my life this year!

Here’s to me and all my gains! 🥂

~Tamana xoxo 💕

Happy Birthday, Shauna!

You are my wild-child, the crazy, nutty, hilarious friend that I am so thankful to have. You keep me in line when I start messing up and always have my back in my time of need. You’ve brighten my days when I was down and felt like shit with all the hilarious, inappropriate comments and memes exchanged between us. But you’ve also been there during my up times and celebrated life with me; which I am so grateful for.

So, today, I want to say happy birthday and thank you for being such an amazing influence in my life. Although, we met in hell, I am so thankful for that “hell” because it brought you into my life. I wish you all the happiness and love the world has to offer and success in everything you do.

Love you to pieces and don’t know what I’d do without you and all the nonsense jokes and arguments between us, jerk pork! 🤣🤣🤣

Happy Birthday, Shaunananananana! 😘

Our Expectations Sometimes Break Our Own Hearts

So I know this girl. Me and her became really close friends really fast. I mean, I don’t know what she thinks of me, but I have gotten so close to her that it feels like I’ve known her my whole life and that maybe I’d be lost without seeing her everyday like I do. I know for a fact she’s more closed off from me than I am from her and that’s not her fault because like me, she’s been burned in the past. But I don’t know what it is about me that even though I try hard to keep my distance, she pulls me closer to her all the time. Maybe she fills some sort of void in my life, I just don’t know.

So long story short, Christmas comes along and this girl, I’ve only known for mere weeks, goes and buys me the simplest of presents and gets gifts for my daughter. She didn’t have to but that’s just the type of person she is and I am left in awe and shock because I didn’t expect it from her at all. For once I feel absolutely spoilt.

Then, every time I need something or want something, she is there; I just have to say the word and this girl would do anything for me.

Now, if you know me, you’d know I’m a selfish type of person. I rarely do things for other people. But for some reason, I would and could do anything for this girl.

Valentine’s Day approaches and she tells me she hates Valentine’s Day because of her history. And I think to myself, you are one of the most loving people I have ever met, you deserve all the love of the world, every day but especially on Valentine’s Day. So, I decide I am going to show this girl that she deserves to be loved and to be showered with love not just on Valentine’s Day but everyday.

I plan this stupid surprise for her leading up to Valentine’s Day. 5 presents, one present a day for the 4 months I’ve known her and one for Valentine’s Day. I have the first one delivered and then the weather turns bad and I can’t get the other presents to her the rest of the days. Valentine’s Day finally arrives and I decide I’ll just shower her with all my love on that day. But she tells me she’s not feeling well and won’t make it to class. I tell her it’s okay, let me come to you. But before I could get a reply from her, she had already fallen back asleep. So after driving around for a while waiting for a reply from her, I decide to go home and wait. She does eventually reply that if she goes out she’ll swing by. I don’t hear back from her until late at night. It’s okay though because she wasn’t feeling good and I’d rather her get rest and feel better than come see me.

The next day comes and I wait to see if she’ll message. I wait around all day and nothing. She finally messaged again late at night but doesn’t mention anything about why I was so eager to see her.

I don’t mention anything to her either because I felt like a nuisance for badgering her to meet me the day before. She senses tension with my responses to her texts but I don’t say anything other than: I’m fine.

I guess, I’m just a little heartbroken that for the first time in nearly 15 years, I decided to spoil a girlfriend I thought could’ve had the potential to be another Melissa (my first and longest best friend) in my life.

I mean, the gifts weren’t extravagant or anything, maybe not even more than a couple of hundred bucks. But each and every item was hand picked with careful deliberation to make sure she would love each and every piece and realize with every piece she touched that she was so special.

I know it’s my own fault for doing all this and then being left disappointed because she told me she hated Valentine’s Day and didn’t want me to do anything for her. I guess, I just thought that if I did it anyway, it would change her feelings about vday and begin loving it again.

Anyway, I think my hormones are all whacked which is why I’m being so emotional about all this. I’ll get over it. I have just come to realize with this experience that even expecting someone’s time is expecting too much nowadays.

People

Anyone that knows me personally knows I don’t generally like people. I’m diplomatic and friendly, where and when I need to be. But I’m also quite the jerk, asshole, bitch, whatever you want to call me.

I don’t have tolerance for ignorance or stupidity and find overly-sweet, bubbly people annoying to the point of wanting to punch them the minute they open their mouth.

And it’s not because I’m bitter or depressed or angry at the world. I just don’t like people.

However, this past year, I have been blessed to meet a few (yes, I said a few) smart, sassy, and my level of asshole-ness people. And can you believe it, some of them are actually women! (I can’t tolerate women more than not being able to tolerate men because the women I’ve met in the past have been jealous, gossiping, backstabbing, two-faced bitches. So for me to actually get close to women, it’s a big accomplishment, blessing, etc. what have you.)

I want to write about these people and how they’ve impacted my life and have made me appreciate friendship on a whole new level. But to write about each of them in one post would be annoying as hell and long and boring for you to read. I’m going to be doing a series called: The Impact Of Friendship (title subject to change) over the next several days/weeks and speak to each of these friendships and human-beings that are becoming a part of who I am.

I hope you’ll stay tuned and join me as I take you through my new friendships.

Until then, stay blessed and safe. Xoxo

~ Tamana

Who Are You?

Everyday of our lives, we meet someone new. Some are passerby’s, some stay awhile and depart and some become a part of us forever. But regardless of what their role is in our lives, they leave a piece of them with us and take a piece of us as they go.

We see only what they are willing to let us see. We hear only as much as they are willing to tell us and we feel only as much as they are willing to let us feel.

But then there are some people that come into our lives, who have the power to disturb everything we were so comfortable with. These people are more us, than us ourselves. It’s as if they were missing from the us we knew ourselves to be. You feel different, you act differently, you become a part of this person that you didn’t even know existed. And just when you thought, you knew everything there was to know or you felt everything you needed to feel, the mask comes off.

The existence of us disappears. Everything you thought you knew is no longer relevant. They are no more of us than us ourselves. They never were. Your mind created this existence that you thought you knew. Your eyes imagined this face that was never really there.

It was all an illusion of your mind. The person you thought you felt was never really there. It was all your imagination and foolishness. You allowed yourself to see a face, feel an existence that never was.

You’re left hollow, dumbfounded and feeling stupid for feeling anything at all and it shatters your core, rips through your soul piece by piece, shard by shard, letting you feel every tear as if a thousand knives were striking you. You are left unable to move, unable to think, unable to explain who it was you had experienced. So, who are you now if you aren’t the you that you thought you were when this person was more of you than yourself?