Tag Archives: friendships

He Wasn’t My Best Friend, After All. 

I had a best friend; he was one of the closest people to me. He knew all my secrets and all of my fears. I shared everything with him and went out of my way to always make him smile. When he asked me for a favour, I made it my priority to fulfill it. I was always there. He was my best friend in the whole world. 
Or so I thought.

He was never actually my best friend. I was never actually his priority. He never went out of his way to make me smile or happy. He was just a friend. Yes, he made me smile and he helped me out when I asked. 

But he let my friendship with him nearly end over another relationship. 

He left a year ago and recently came back. Prior to coming back, we spoke once. He apologized for everything and I forgave him. 

When I found out he was finally coming back, I thought I was getting my best friend back. I thought everything would go back to how it previously was. I thought…so much. But none of it did.

He came back completely changed. He wasn’t the person I called my best friend. The fact that I even consider him a friend now is surprising to me. Although jokingly, he denies being my friend at all. We argue now and he puts me down in front of other people. He questions my decisions and motives. He treats me as if he is just tolerating me because we work together. 

Since he’s been back, I’ve tried talking to him and figuring out why he acts the way he does towards me. But he just responds with sarcasm or ignores the question all together. I’ve tried to leave things as they are and move on but find it ridiculously hard to do so. This person was supposed to be the person I called my best friend. He was supposed to be my support system and one of the ones making me laugh and smile. 

But he no longer was any of those things. Or maybe he was never any of those things to start with and it was an illusion of my own mind. I was his best friend but he was never mine and may never be.


Sometimes I Hate My Extremism

In my world, everything is black or white; there are no in betweens. I love to the extreme and I hate to the extreme. When someone is close to me, they are so close that I would do anything in the world for their happiness. But when someone leaves my life, I remove every trace of them from my life as if they were never in it.

Because of the extremist that I am, it takes a lot for me to kick people out of my life. They may hurt me, may lie to me, or even betray me; but I give them another chance. It’s because I had loved them so much. So when I do realize that no matter what I do or  don’t do, makes no difference to the person, I cry and cry and cry. It’s a way of letting out all that love and compassion I once had. It’s a way of closing a chapter of my life and moving on. It hurts deeply, like a soul hurt, because you had so much faith and trust in this person. You thought the world of them, as if they could never do you harm. But they did and you’ve learned your lesson and it’s time to close their chapter and move on.

I cried and cried and cried yesterday. D played the supportive husbands role and held my hand, hugged me tight and showed his concern. But he didn’t know why I cried all day. He knew it was because of a friend who had hurt me. But he didn’t know that I was crying to let out all my love, my care, my pain for this friend. He didn’t know I was forcing out every bit of emotion; whether good or bad, that I hadexperienced  with and for this person.

I said goodbye to one of my best friends yesterday. He was the one that has been the closest to me for the past couple of years. He was the one I turned to when things were bumpy between D and I. He was my support when I was frustrated with everything in my life. He helped me see that no matter what other people thought of me, I was beautiful the way I was. He helped me regain self-confidence and to love my body no matter how big it was. He was…..

I could go on and on about who he was and what he had done for me. He was the best friend a girl could have. But he lied to me. He betrayed me. He toyed with my emotions because of another girl. He doesn’t know it, but this other girl thinks shit of him and only hangs out with him because she has no one else to hang with at the moment. He doesn’t know this girl tried to ruin my marriage and his friendship with my hubby and managed to break his and my friendship. He let her damage our friendship and didn’t say a word.

But then I guess our friendship wasn’t as strong as I had thought of in the first place. Had it been, would someone else’s doings jeopardize the bond we had?

Anyway, today, I close another chapter of my life; one best friend chapter. It hurts, I want to scream and cry and ask why. But I tried that already and it didn’t make a difference to him. So, I’ll wipe away my tears and close this chapter for good.

Goodbye H. I’ll miss you but this too shall pass.

Don’t Focus On What Is On The Surface, Look Beyond

  A friend recently shared the below story on Facebook. I found it inspiring and heartwarming. It taught me to look beyond the surface of what is shown. You never know the reason why people do something and it should not be our job to judge them. Of course, some circumstances will harm us directly, but why someone does something should be assessed before making judgement. 

After the recent encounter with some friends, this story has caused me to think of the circumstances and reasoning behind my friend’s actions more closely. I haven’t figured out why they did it, but I’m surely thinking about it now. 

Here’s the story; hopefully it will inspire you a little as it did me. 

A teacher was tutoring a class of students when she relayed a story about a cruise ship capsized while at sea, and on the ship was a couple that managed to make their way to a lifeboat but realized there was only space for one. You’ll never guess what lesson they learned from the story.

A cruise ship met with an incident at sea. On the ship was a couple, after having made their way to the lifeboat, they realized that there was only space for one person left.At this moment, the man pushed the woman behind him and jumped onto the lifeboat himself.
The lady stood on the sinking ship and shouted one sentence to her husband.
The teacher stopped and asked, “What do you think she shouted?”
Most of the students excitedly answered, “I hate you! I was blind!”
Now, the teacher noticed a boy who was silent throughout, she got him to answer and he replied, “Teacher, I believe she would have shouted – Take care of our child!”
The teacher was surprised, asking “Have you heard this story before?”
The boy shook his head, “Nope, but that was what my mom told my dad before she died to disease”.
The teacher lamented, “The answer is right”.
The cruise ship sunk. The man went home and brought up their daughter single-handedly.
Many years later after the death of the man, their daughter found his diary while tidying his belongings.
It turns out that when parents went onto the cruise ship, the mother was already diagnosed with a terminal illness. At the critical moment, the father rushed to the only chance of survival.
He wrote in his diary, “How I wished to sink to the bottom of the ocean with you, but for the sake of our daughter, I can only let you lie forever below the sea alone”.
The story is finished, the class was silent.
The teacher knows that the student has understood the moral of the story, that of the good and the evil in the world, there are many complications behind them which are hard to understand.
Which is why we should never only focus on the surface and judge others without understanding them first.
Those who like to pay the bill, do so not because they are loaded but because they value friendship above money.
Those who take the initiative at work, do so not because they are stupid but because they understand the concept of responsibility.
Those who apologize first after a fight, do so not because they are wrong but because they value the people around them.
Those who are willing to help you, do so not because they owe you anything but because they see you as a true friend.
Those who often text you, do so not because they have nothing better to do but because you are in their heart.
One day, all of us will get separated from each other; we will miss our conversations of everything and nothing; the dreams that we had. Days will pass by, months, years, until this contact becomes rare… One day our children will see our pictures and ask “Who are these people?” And we will smile with invisible tears because a heart is touched with a strong word and you will say: “It was them that I had the best days of my life with.”
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Sometimes We Give Too Much

Once in a while you meet someone that turns into a dear friend. You get extremely attached to them and spend lots of time with them. When there’s a family event or get together, you ensure your friend is invited. When you bake or cook something special, you make sure to put a piece aside for your friend.

Friends are what help us get through the rest of the crap that life throws at us. We laugh with them. We cry with them. They hold us up through the tough times and share many good times with us. They are there during new beginnings and hold us tight through the endings. They are our wisdom at times and other times our strength. We do silly stupid things with them and make asses out of ourselves in front of them and they never judge us because they are our friend and understand who we really are and are normally making asses out of themselves right beside us.

But sometimes, you get so attached to a friend that you go above and beyond for them. You treat them like a part of the family and include them in everything. But sometimes all your thoughts and feelings aren’t reciprocated. And sometimes you realize that you were far more committed and reliant on the friendship than your friend was. And sometimes you realize that maybe you were too attached to your friend and they never were.

Maybe this is my state of depression. Maybe none of this was true. Maybe this is all in my head. Maybe this how a certain friend made me feel a couple of days ago. Maybe.

I can trust Myself with my secrets

I learned a long time ago to never trust anyone. No matter how close they are to you. No matter how honest they may be with you. No matter how sincere they may seem. Always keep your deepest, darkest truths to yourself.

When a friendship or relationship goes sour, believe me that truth will eventually come out. That person might be loyal to you for as long as you’re together. But eventually, when it ends, your truth will be exposed.

Sadly, I learned that the hard way.

Sure, I trust people every day with little bits and pieces of myself. I trust people with things that bother me about others. I even trust people with my life when I get in their cars. But my truths are all mine. Even if I tell you something that is precious or scary to my heart, I will never tell you the deepest or darkest.

It may suck for the other person not knowing “everything” about me. But somewhere along the lines and at the end of the day, I still need to look out for myself. That doesn’t go to say that if they figured it out on their own that I would deny it. I’m not into the lying thing either. Trust is a major factor in all of my relationships. But I just won’t expose it myself.


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