I am tired of pretending. I am tired of caring. I am tired of thinking of outcomes and solutions. I am tired of laying sleepless every night. I want to call it quits. I want to give up because I cannot handle this anymore.
I cannot find a middle ground. There is no grey; just black and white, mostly black.
I keep thinking about Ni, it’s not fair to her. I am half here, half God knows where. She deserves me fully. But I cannot give her that. I do not want to think about Ni. I want to be selfish and just let everything go.
My mind is terribly disturbed, restless even. My heart feels heavy and torn, shredded into a million pieces.
How do people do it? One part of me thinks, how does one let everything happen and still go forward in their day-to-day, dealing with it all. The other part asks, how does one get to the point of just saying, “fuck it, I quit” and walking away from everything that ever meant anything to them.
Why am I stuck between these two thoughts? Why can’t I find peace with one or the other?
I ask myself over and over again, what is lacking? I know the answer. But I also know, that I can’t force it to happen. And I refuse to accept what I cannot change. So, why don’t I just walk away from it all?
I want to give up.
I feel defeated today. Defeated by my relationships. Defeated by my career. Defeated by my finances. I feel as if all happiness has been lost. I feel hopeless.
I don’t have a tear to shed today. Just silence. The urge to scream. But then again silence.
Little things made me happy not so long ago. Today nothing seems to bring happiness to my face or heart.
I feel defeated today.
I don’t like dogs. I never did. One tried to bite me when I was 7 years old. I’m scared of how vicious they can be. I’m terribly allergic to them. But today a little dog, I’ve known for the past 14 years has brought me to tears and my heart has shattered.
His name is Hogan. He was given to my brother from a former girlfriend as a birthday present. My brother barely took care of him. But he became one of the kids for my mother. He was and has been her friend, her companion; the only one that has always been there no matter what happened in her life.
Although, I didn’t like him for being a dog, he was a part of our family and he held a place in my heart that is now inevitably empty.
Today we put down our beloved Hogan. It was the only choice we had left. There is no cure for old age and he has become a victim of it. In human years, he is now 78 years old. That’s a long time to live and he’s had a loving family to share those years with.
But now we must say goodbye.
I know I never told you, but I love you and will miss you. You’ll never be forgotten and will live in our hearts as the little child you were, following us around the house and jumping and barking for treats off the dinner table as you always did. I don’t know how mom will survive without you. She was truly your best friend and will miss you the most. Please watch over her and guide her to get through not having you around any more.
Ni, D and I love you dearly and we’ll forever keep you in our hearts. Rest in Peace little angel.
Ni is one years old. She’s already started daycare. My parents are in India. Diwali is over. Even D’s vacation is done. And next week Tuesday I’ll be back at work; which means my maternity leave is over.
Seriously, where has this year gone and how did it go by so quickly? It feels like just yesterday I found out they were going to induce me a week later and D and I were freaking out on our way home that a week from now we’d finally have our little baby. And look at today, she’s crawling and laughing and attempting to walk and say words. She’s grown so much and is becoming more and more independent daily. Soon she’ll be off to school, then high school, then college and then work.
How is time flying by so quickly? D and I just look at her and wonder where that little angel is that once fit on our one arm. We sit and talk about how fast life is moving. I’ll be a year older in just over a week. Then Christmas will come and New Years, spring will arrive and my parents will be back from India.
It feels like it’s all happening with a blink of an eye. I’m just in shock and disbelief. I don’t want my maternity leave to be over. I don’t want Ni to get used to daycare and spend the whole day without me. I don’t want to be back at work and wonder how she’s doing and whether she’s eaten or slept or cried or laughed. I just want to be with her all day and enjoy mommy-hood with her.
I keep telling D to pray that we hit the lottery or that I get laid-off work so that I can be with my little pumpkin all day long. He just laughs and tells me to get over it. But what he or anyone else does see is the anxiety and guilt I feel for leaving my precious angel with strangers all day. It breaks my heart kissing her goodbye and wondering all day how she’s doing. I know this is how it has to be for now. But that doesn’t mean I have to happily enjoy it.
Emotionally baffled, yours,
Like the title says, my darling angel will be starting daycare on Monday. I am absolutely heartbroken to be having to leave with complete strangers for most of the day. However, at this point, financially I don’t have a choice.
She’s starting two weeks early to give her time to adjust into the program. On Monday, D and I will both take her there and spend a couple of hours with her to help her familiarize herself with the environment and people. On Tuesday, I’ll be on my own with her and so I’ll spend a good portion of my day with her and then leave during the last few hours. Then the next day, I’ll spend less time there and so on, until she is comfortable enough be there all day without her mommy and daddy.
Did I mention, I am absolutely horrified and disgustingly sadden by the thought of it, that I insist D and everyone else not discuss the topic with me or in front of me? How do I just leave my child, my angel, the love of my life there all day without me and D to come to her rescue should she need us? How do I kiss her goodbye, like the case worker at the subsidy office explained and not keep coming back to check and see that she’s ok?
I know, she’s only been in my life for a year, but she is mine! And I can’t live without her and I’m scared and nervous and, and, and….The list just goes on. It’s not fair! My mom didn’t go back to work. She got to stay home and take care of all of us. Why do I have to go back? It’s just not fair!!!
Pardon my whining. I know I’m being unreasonable and a complete child about this. But wouldn’t you be if you were in my situation? Two more days and this horrifying experience will take place. Ok, I have to stop talking/writing about this. I’ll post on Monday and let you all know how it goes. Until then, wish me strength and courage to let my baby go.
Xoxo ~ Tamana
Yesterday he broke my heart.
His words, this thoughts, his revelation tore me into pieces. I expected to hear it all eventually. But so soon. Everything had just started to set its pace. He took all of it and put a full stop to it and shattered my heart.
He broke my heart yesterday.
My eyes felt sore all day. I wanted to cry. My heart-felt heavy. My mind was full of nonsense. All I wanted to do yesterday was cry. But I could not make myself cry. I tried so hard. Nothing worked.
Today I realized why I did not cry. Today I understand why he is such a good man. He had respect for me and told me the truth. The truth is one of the hardest things to confess. He was a true man and didn’t want to hurt me any further. He built our relationship on trust and he honored me with that trust yesterday.
His heart belongs to someone else. His thoughts have someone else in them. His arms yearn for someone else. His lips crave someone else’s. But he didn’t let our relationship go so far that it would be unbearable for me to forgive or forget him.
Today, I respect him for breaking my heart yesterday. Today, I see him as so much more of a man than any other I have seen or met before. Today, I fell in love with him so much more.
I respect his decision to choose his past over me. I am not jealous. I am not angry. I am content. For this moment, for this very brief relationship, I can say, “It was better to have loved and lost, then to have never loved at all”.
So, although you broke my heart yesterday, I want you to know that today I respect you for it. Thank you.