Tag Archives: illness

Is This My Permanent Normal?

You’ve all probably read my previous blog posts about not feeling well and dealing with vertigo. I’m still feeling the same but with some new symptoms. It’s like one thing goes away and another appears. My physician put me on a pill for migraines, so the migraines have gone away. But the dizziness persists. Along with that, my legs go numb almost every day. They hurt and I constantly feel like I’m getting my period due to the cramps.

I lay in bed all day Saturday and began thinking if this was the new normal that my life has become. I can’t stand for extended periods without feeling like my legs are going to fall off. Moving around makes my head spin and cause my eyes to blur and feel tired. The feeling of feeling unwell has me and my physician baffled because the tests he does come back normal. Somewhere inside me, I’ve stopped believing that he even cares anymore. He tells me most of this is probably caused by my depression. So it’s all in my head because I have depression. 

But I told him my mood is better. I don’t feel depressed these days. His excuse is that depression never goes away, even though I’m not feeling it right this minute. 

So is all this illness in my head? Am I so psychologically tainted that I’ve caused myself to feel all these things? 

I read all these stories about people going through similar stuff for years and their doctors kept telling them it was depression or another mild illness but years later they get diagnosed with a life-changing illness or cancer. Is that going to happen to me as well?

I wonder, if I’m reading too much into this and whether I should stop and just focus on getting better. 

At the end of this month my employment insurance benefits will run out. I have a big decision to make before the month ends; am I going back to work or staying home? How will I survive without an income? If I go back, what if I feel sick and can’t work or perform the way I used to? What if I faint the way I nearly did the last time I left work? What if I feel better all together and all of this goes away? Will my life return to the normalcy that I was used to before all this vertigo and pain started or will the current feeling be the normalcy I’ll have to get used to?

I don’t know what is going to happen at the end of this month or what my decision will be. For now, I’ve decided to go see another doctor and explain everything that has happened to me over the past few months and see what he suggests. Maybe it’s time for a second opinion. I need to know what’s wrong with me before I can decide what I’m going to do with my career. 

Still Not Feeling Like Myself

It’s been a while since I’ve posted anything relatively useful. I haven’t felt like myself in a long while now. What was assumed was vertigo resulted in not being vertigo. My test results came back normal. The MRI, the blood work, everything was normal. So, why do I still feel dizzy every single day? Why am I getting the worst headaches of my life still and why do I wake up feeling as if someone has knocked the wind right out of me? 

My doctor thinks the symptoms I described are related to migraine. He’s put me on migraine relief pills for a month and hopes they’ll help resolve whatever issues I’m having. I’ve been taking the pills now for two weeks and don’t see much difference in my symptoms. But after speaking to him earlier this week, he’s asked me to continue taking them and see how I feel in another week or so. 

I haven’t been to work in nearly three months and now I’m not sure I want to return after being off so long. I feel like it would be so awkward going back and dealing with all the questions from colleagues on what happened to me and where I’ve been. But on the flip side, I’m so bored out of my head being at home and am eagerly waiting to get better, so that I can’t get back to my work life. 

I enjoy working. I enjoy the crazy deadlines and hectic schedules. I enjoy out and about and focused. These days, my mind is so blurred. I’m miserable being home all day without being able to go out and about without someone being with me. I was never the dependent type. I’ve always enjoyed my independence and free-will to do what I wanted, when I wanted. But with this illness, all of that has changed. If I need to go somewhere, I either have to beg my neighbor to come with me or wait for my husband to get home from work. I don’t enjoy being a burden on people, even if they’re loved ones. 

Some rare days like Monday, I wake up feeling normal and the world doesn’t spin around me. So, I try to take advantage of the sensation of normalcy and get as much done as I can, like cooking or house work. But then other days, like yesterday, I waste the whole day in bed sleeping or tossing and turning because the night before I was so dizzy that I couldn’t keep my eyes closed for more than a few seconds at a time without being feeling like I was going to throw up. 

And if all of this wasn’t enough, the guilt of being on employment insurance and barely making ends meet causes me more anxiety. D is going to India later this month for his cousins wedding and I’m so sick thinking about how I’m going to provide for Ni while he’s away for three weeks. My mother has offered to come stay with us and help out but the financial part of it makes me sick to my stomach. 

I’m hoping these symptoms go away soon. I want my life back. I want to be independent again and provide for my family as I was before all this started. Everyday I rise hoping that I’m not feeling the way I was the day before and can finally ask my doctor to release me and let me go back to work. I just want my life to return to normal. 

One Day At A Time

Yesterday was a good day. Matter of fact, it was a magnificent day; I felt like my normal self for the first time in nearly two months. So we had dinner at a friend’s place. She constantly offered me wine but I declined. Then she thought I was pregnant and not wanting to drink. After much convincing, she finally backed off. 

I haven’t told many people about my vertigo. It’s not something people commonly know about and quite frankly, with how I feel these days, I don’t have the energy to explain what’s going on with me. Most days I can’t express to myself what I’m feeling or going through; to explain it to other people would just be too exhausting.

Speaking of exhaustion, I am exhausted right now. But my feeling of normalcy didn’t last very long yesterday and I’ve had a terrible day of dizziness and nausea to pay for how great I felt yesterday. I’ve thrown up twice tonight because the room won’t stop spinning. I had my MRI this evening; which was so overwhelming and scary and possibly the result of me feeling extra yucky this evening. 

I’ve got my inner ear test tomorrow morning and then a follow up in March with my specialist to discuss all the results from the fours tests they’ve done. I’m really hoping they find something, so they can cure me and get me back to my normal self. I hope it doesn’t turn into a “we don’t know what’s causing your dizziness” type of situation because not knowing why you’re sick is one of the worst things to ever deal with. 

I’m going to try and get some shut eye for now. I wanted to write a quick post to let you know how I’m doing and right now I’m just taking it one day at a time. I hope you’re all well and healthy. I’ll have another update soon once I hear back from the doctor on my results. Xoxo

Can An Abusive Past Be The Cause For Illness?

I’m still down with a cold. My doctor thinks it’s a bacterial infection and so has put me on antibiotics. My stomach has been terribly upset for the past week or so and the antibiotics aren’t helping my cause. He also thinks something else is going on with my body and provided me with a requisition for numerous blood tests; which I had done yesterday. I’m just hoping whatever they find they can fix and get me feeling better. 

He mentioned something to me yesterday that has me a little disturbed. He said that some people that come out of abusive homes or relationships, their brain tends to cope with depression and illness differently than people that have had happy homes or relationships. Growing up, my brother was very physically abusive towards my sister and I, particularly me because I rebelled more than her. Then a relationship turned abusive for sometime until I finally escaped it. My ex-husband wasn’t abusive with me but the last argument we had turned violent and ended with me calling the cops on him. My dad too raised his hand on me a couple of times but that was so many years ago. 

D doesn’t believe in violence and his response to an argument is to go silent when the other person is yelling. He’s very different than anyone I’ve lived with or dated. He’s kind and soft-natured. 

So, why after all these years would my body and brain be reacting to illness differently than others? I know my past has left me scarred for life. But I’ve forcefully forgotten many things that took place out of my memory. I know my depression stems from my past. But can all my illness and the longevity of it be occurring because I haven’t forgotten everything abusive that happened in my life? I don’t think so. 

I personally think there is something else developing inside of me that hasn’t come to surface although I’ve done hundreds of tests in the past six months. Maybe the doctors aren’t looking in the right place or doing the right tests because they tell me over and over again that “I’m still too young” to develop major illnesses. 

Well, I guess I’m going to have to wait and see what this series of test results bring to light. I don’t think I’m “too young” to develop a major illness. I hope I don’t have one either. But if I do, I really hope they find it this time and just help me fix it or control it because I’m sick of being sick. 

Delayed Holiday Posts

snowflakeEvery year around this time of  year, I write a bunch of Holiday related posts. But this year, I’m quite delayed. By now, I would’ve added a budget friendly decorating how-to guide, my holiday cookie recipes and lots of other recipes and messages. It’s been a tough couple of months with my illness, I just haven’t had the energy to write or the mindset. Plus, it’s hard to spread holiday cheer when you’re miserable in your personal life.

But all of that is going to change. This is my most favorite time of year and I’m not going to let daily disturbances and sickness take away from my holiday happiness. Stay tuned over the next couple of days as I taking Ziddi Tamana into the holidays and share all my ideas and joy of this festive season.

~Tamana

I’ve Been Gone For A While Now

I couldn’t sleep. My legs are killing me and nothing seems to help with the pain tonight. I’ve tossed and turned all night and finally gave up the thought that I would get any sleep tonite.

So, here I am. It seems like I haven’t written anything on here in a long while; which is probably true. I’ve been battling my depression and my fevers and pain. It’s been quite the battle and I have yet to win. But today I feel a little bit closer to victory over my demons.

I did something for me today. I did something for me that under normal circumstances wouldn’t be a big deal; however under the current circumstances is! Although my religious beliefs don’t justify it, I bought a mini Christmas tree today. I put it up by myself, hung ornaments and lite the lights all by myself. Ni was there to share in my joy. But I did it all by myself. And you know what? Every time I glance over at it, it puts a smile on my face. It didn’t cost a lot and doesn’t have expensive ornaments or historical family ones either on it. It’s small and only takes up a small corner of my bookcase. But it makes me smile. And that’s all that matters to me right now.

I felt miserable after speaking with my case worker from my employer’s insurance company yesterday. I was very down ever since that conversation. She wants me to head back to work on Thursday. And although I love my job and like many of the people I work with; I am just not physically and mentally ready to go back. It’s true, my fevers have become quite infrequent. But my pain and depression has not gone away or subsided in any way. I spent numerous nights lying awake, battling terrible thoughts and trying to cope with the pain in my legs. I try every means possible to get a proper night’s sleep. But to no avail.

I did more tests yesterday, an x-Ray and ultrasound; I’m hoping the results show the reason for my pain. Today’s appointments with the infectious disease specialist and rheumatologist will shed light on what I’m going through and what my next steps are going to be. I’m hoping for some pain-relief solution or miracle! I’ll let you know after my appointments what the outcomes are. Stay tuned and wish me a proper diagnoses and solution.

Still Sick With No Recovery In Sight

If the four weeks of excruciating tooth pain post dental surgery wasn’t enough, I’ve come down with some sort of infection or virus. My doctor doesn’t have a clue what’s wrong with me and actually seemed a little concerned today; which is concerning for me to see. Normally, he had a quick solution and reason for illnesses but after a thorough examination today of me and my symptoms, he seemed stumped. So, he sent me in for blood work; he thinks maybe some of my blood counts are off and wants to get a good look at my report. I’ll be meeting with him on Thursday to discuss the results.

But 4 week plus of dental pain and 3 weeks now of chills, fever, muscle pain, diarrhea and vomiting; I don’t seem to be getting better and don’t see a light at the end of this tunnel either. I’m exhausted of being sick and in pain. I hate all the pain meds and cold/flu meds I’m putting into my body. I can’t taste anything and can’t stomach most things I do eat. I’m tired and feeling totally depressed.

I won’t even begin to talk about being off work all these weeks and whether I’ll even have a job to go back to or not for when I do get better. Initially, my boss replied to my emails telling him I needed to be off for a few days. He seems genuinely concerned and understanding. But that was 3 weeks ago and I haven’t heard from him at all since then. I’m quite nervous to how he’s going to react when I am better and back at work. But I’m hopeful that he will understand that all of this wasn’t intentional and has really kicked my butt.

Please pray that I get better soon and can finally be my self again. I’ve been so miserable lately that I think D is getting sick of me being home and sick all the time too. Thank goodness for him, though. He’s such a good man and has really taken care of me and Ni. I am blessed. I just need to get better now.