Tag Archives: life

Alone – Random Thoughts

My mind has been playing games with me daily, I have been having extreme highs and even more extreme lows. One day, I appreciate the world, the things around me, the people that haven’t strayed away from me and the things I have. The next day, I feel confused, baffled by my lack of energy and determination to go on, alone, depressed and a general hatred for humanity.

I have put myself in situations that may seem stupid or unnecessary to an onlooker, but deep within the depths of my soul, I know these situations were a long-time coming. I stirred the pot and am now paying the consequences of my interference.

But I have come to realize that when you want a change, when you want betterment, when you realize your self-worth and demand it from the people and things around you, it becomes a journey you have to go through alone.

Yes, there are a few souls I am blessed with who check-up on me from time to time, wanting to make sure I am still here and wanting to know that I haven’t let my darkness overcome my soul. These souls, I am ever so grateful for.

However, I cannot be completely open with any of them. I have found myself hiding bitter details from every one of them, whether it’s one thing or another. The soul that truly knows me is the one I hide my miseries from the most because that soul is burdened by their own situations and wouldn’t be able to carry the weight of mine along with theirs.

So, on the nights when my soul and being is dark, low and disturbed, I find myself feeling extremely low and yearning to let everything out. The weight of these burdens feels overwhelming and exhausting causing me to feel alone.

In this moment, the loneliness I feel is beyond any loneliness I have ever felt.

I am coming to realize and understand (slowly), that this is a journey I need to go through alone. No one can save me from the situations I have caused, except for myself. I just wish that all the energy, love and time I had sacrificed for others was reciprocated right now, because fighting your demons on your own is a lonely and scary scenario to overcome.

But I still stand alone and will stand alone for as long as it takes to overcome this chapter of my life because as the saying goes:

This too, shall pass.”

~Tamana

Happy New Year!

May the new year bring you a fresh start, peace, happiness and love.

May you leave behind misery, depression and everything that has held you back in 2019 from reaching your true potential.

~Tamana

Happy Birthday Nene

Happy birthday, my darling! Today, I wish you all the happiness in the world. I wish you good health, prosperity and so much love. I wish that every dream, every goal, every desire is fulfilled for you.

There are so many things I want to say to you but I just don’t know where to start. I would’ve never thought walking into that classroom a year ago, I was going to meet someone who would become such an important part of my life. Yes, this past year I have been blessed with a few very good girlfriends after years of searching for girls I can call mine. But the relationship that developed with you is beyond anything I had imagined I would ever get again.

My first best friend in Canada and the longest standing friendship I ever had was with a girl named Mel. She was my friend, my mentor, my sister. After my friendship with her ended, I never thought I’d find another Mel. 18 years later, here you are. The only difference is you sit on a higher pedestal than Mel ever did and forever will.

Without you being in my life this past year, I don’t know how I would have survived school, family, life. Seeing you everyday, all of our shenanigans, even our fights were what helped me get through some of the toughest days of my life and still are.

I know I say it all the time, but it’s important for me to say it today and for you to understand how sincere I am when I say that I love you with all of my heart. You are one of my blessings and I am forever grateful to Allah for bringing you into my life.

I love you so very much, doll! Happy Birthday! 💋💋💋💋

~Tamana

Rock Bottom

There is a time in our lives when we hit rock bottom, some of us more than once. Everything that you could think of going wrong, goes wrong. Every attempt to climb back up makes you slip down even further. You don’t realize how far down you can go until you slam face first into the ground and realize you have lost everything you spent so many years building.

When you look up from the bottom, the light seems far out of reach. You begin to lose hope. You begin to lose sense of reality. Everything that once made sense suddenly seems so stranger and confusing. And if you’ve got a destructive personality, you turn to self-sabotage. You’re already at the bottom, you might as well destroy the little bit of self you have left.

You know what you want and need to get back up but nothing works in your favour. Every opportunity to rebuild demolishes and becomes far out of reach.

So what do you do? How the fuck do you get back up? How do you rebuild? Forget turning the pages, how do you burn the goddamn fuckin book and begin again?

This is my dilemma. I am stuck; glued to the bottom. Every time I try to get up, I get pulled back down partially by my own demons, partially by situations. Every attempt is failing. Every hope is dying. I have lost all sense of reality and nothing is making sense anymore.

~Tamana

Happy Birthday To Me

A few days ago a friend asked what I was going to do for my birthday. Being in my depressed state of mind at the time, (I’ll explain why below), I told her I had nothing to celebrate. I told her we were going to skip my birthday this year.

But after hanging up the phone with her, I started thinking about her question and more importantly my answer. I did have a lot of celebrate this year. Although, things weren’t going as I had planned for the moment, I still had a very successful year.

A dream, a hope, a desire I had only imagined of and hoped for the past 16 years came true this year. It took everything in my power to make it happen, everything that could go initially wrong went wrong, but the matter of fact is that it finally happened. It changed who I am today and who I will be for the rest of my life.

I also finished my course and graduated with honours. It was a struggle going back to school yet again, but one I am proud of because I exceeded my own expectations.

Finally, my solo trip to Thailand and Malaysia. Who would’ve thought a year ago I’d be on the other side of the world, alone, experiencing a whole different life.

I guess, I had quite the blessed year. My life has completely changed. I may have lost people along the way but I have gained so much more than what I lost and I am so grateful for everyone and everything that has happened in my life this year!

Here’s to me and all my gains! 🥂

~Tamana xoxo 💕

Kuala Lumpur Adventures

This week I have ventured to Kuala Lumpur, Malaysia. I’m staying at a mediocre hotel in the heart of the city in Bukit Bintang. My hotel isn’t the greatest but the location is perfect. It’s situated in the middle of a food street and close enough to many central attractions.

In walking distance I have the option to try all types of cuisines; from authentic Malaysian to Arabic and even Indian, Pakistani, Bengali, Italian and Chinese. Or I can stick to the basics and eat from famous western food chains and even grab street food. There are tons of street vendors and large retailers nearby. There’s also a mall nearby but we all know I hate malls, so I’m not even trying to venture into there. But it does consist of all the top designers and brands.

As for the weather, well let’s just say October is not a traveller’s month to venture into Asia. It rained uncontrollably in Phuket the whole week that I was there and now in Kuala Lumpur. Thankfully, I’m in the center of the city and can easily get around even if it’s raining.

A couple of days ago, I ordered a Grab car (similar to Uber in North America) and went to see the Petronas Towers and Suria KLCC mall. The towers are absolutely spectacular and the surrounding buzz of the city is everything you would expect from a metropolitan city. But behind the towers lies a beautiful park and water fountain. The towers are surrounded by all the big hotels and have tons of great restaurants in near walking distance.

Then I ventured into the Suria KLCC mall. It felt like I was in the Eaton’s Center in downtown Toronto with all the designer brands and crowd. Of course I didn’t go shopping but it was nice to walk around. But I did have one of the best Affogato’s of my life. For those of you that don’t know what an Affogato is, it’s a double espresso shot with ice cream. I added a rich dark chocolate ice cream to mine and as the ice cream melted in the hot espresso it was a taste to die for!

Well, lovelies, my trip is over and I am flying to Phuket, Thailand tomorrow because that was my original destination from Toronto, so I have to flight out to of there to get home. From Phuket I’ll be flying to Shanghai, China and then finally back home to Toronto. I’m looking at a hell of a journey back, almost 30 hours of fly time and layovers before I make it home. Sigh! But the trip was worth it, my writers block is now unblocked, I have penned out the chapters of my book in good detail and gave myself a lot of time to clear my emotions and mind; which was extremely necessary considering the craziness that has been this year.

Now on to finish packing and getting a goodnight’s sleep before the crazy journey home. I’ll try to write again soon, especially about all the amazing food I tried on this trip! Until then, stay bless and check out my Instagram page for highlight stories and images from my trip (@ziddi)! Xoxo

~Tamana

Eat. Pray. Love.

Today I am leaving for my 17-day, solo trip to Phuket, Thailand. I know I said I would tell all of you about this trip a while ago, however, it’s taken me a lot of courage to pull this trip into reality. It’s been months of talking about, planning and finally working up the guts to put it into action. I literally cried the day I finally booked the ticket and paid for the hotel.

Originally, what was just a random idea, a thought that began over friends making never-to-happen plans, developed into a need that had to be fulfilled.

I have always dreamt of taking a trip by myself, venturing out in a new city alone and discovering beauty in a different culture and lifestyle. However, I never thought I would be able to fulfill that dream due to my responsibilities and family life. But here I am, sitting at the airport shaking with nervousness and anticipation.

My Medical Office Administrator course is complete. I am graduating on October 24 with honours. My name has been put into the name of eligible students to become a valedictorian. I have done exceptionally well with this phase of my life and I am proud of myself for taking on another venture and succeeding beyond my own expectations.

I have been a decent mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend to my circle. However, with the requirements of fulfilling those relationships, I have stopped being a good me. I have lost myself. I have forgotten who I was and who I wanted to be. I have let myself run towards life without actually knowing where I was heading or wanted to end up.

Every time I catch myself running, I stop dead in my tracks and realize that I don’t know where I want to go. I have been questioning my motives and desires. I have been resenting my relationships because they have taken so much of me away from me. I have started to become destructive and careless with how I treat myself.

I am tired of dieting and trying to lose weight. I am tired of questioning my deen and faith in Allah. I am tired of loving everyone unconditionally and giving my all. I am tired of being everything to everyone and nothing to myself.

I am exhausted.

This trip is a journey for me to find myself. To eat and of course, drink guilt-free without putting myself down or worry about how I’ll look after gaining yet another 10 pounds. It’s a trip for me to find peace through prayer and devotion. To sleep in without worrying of responsibilities and staying up late without caring about the dark circles under my eyes. It’s a trip for me to find love within myself, to assess and analyze my relationships and friendships and understand them. It’s a trip for me to find me, again and come back stronger, wiser and more determined than ever to make my goals happen!

This trip is also an opportunity for me write that book I’ve been writing for the past 5+ years. Yes, I’m referring to my autobiography; which isn’t an autobiography anymore and has become a story. A story about unconditional and incomplete love. A story about devotion and belief in another soul. A story about endless tests passed and lessons learned. It is a story about a million wishes and desires and how life can happen but what is meant to be will always find its way back to you.

It has taken me many years to come to terms with the fact that this is what my reality is and this is the life I have chosen. Now that I have realized so many truths about myself, it has become important to write the story. I strongly believe that when you can tell your story without crying or breaking down, then and only then have you healed by what you went through. Today, I am ready to tell my story; which is why I have begun writing again. I’m hoping to spend time on this trip and plan out the chapters and continue writing from where I left off five years ago.

Anyway, back to the trip, I’m about to board my first flight. I am flying from Toronto to Shanghai and then to Phuket. Unfortunately, I have a 20+ hour layover in Shanghai before my flight to Phuket. Thankfully, my CIBC Gold Adventura Visa gives me access to 1000+ VIP lounges across the world. Free food, drinks, showers, Wi-Fi and possible sleeper chairs are only some of the perks of the lounge and card. So, I’ll definitely be uploading photos on Instagram while I’m waiting for the connecting flight to Phuket and I’ll try my best to post when I can.

Wish me luck and send positive energy and prayers my way. I hope I find myself again, come to terms with the decisions I need to make, find my path and of course, get over this writers block. Until then, stay blessed, connect with me on Instagram (@ziddi) to see my adventures and come back to read all about my travel through Phuket! Xoxo

~Tamana