Tag Archives: life

Changes

150km/hr rushing through cars, weaving in and out of traffic, I can feel the adrenalin pumping through my veins. Everything is in full speed mode. Everything is happening so quickly. Fell in love, got the world handed to me, lost the love, felt the pain tear through my heart, got over it in moments; realizing its better this way. Made a huge career move, flipped my work life up-side-down, and now I’m hanging from a thread, waiting for a decision. Will my employer realize that I’m a golden hen? Or will they just let me walk?

Will I live here? Will I move? Will I be alone? Or will I have the world with me? Everyone seems precious now. Everyone seems distant now. Life is moving at a rush and I cannot catch my breath.

So many changes coming my way. Everything I know, everything I am, everything I believe is changing and I cannot stop it nor do I want to. Where will these changes leave me?

Tomorrow will determine.

Let’s wait and see.

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Another Beautiful Story

Such a beautiful story….

Two men, both seriously ill, occupied the same hospital room. One man was allowed to sit up in his bed for an hour each afternoon to help drain the fluid from his lungs. His bed was next to the room only window. The other man had to spend all his time flat on his back.

The men talked for hours on end. They spoke of their wives and families, their homes, their jobs, their involvement in the military service, where they had been on vacation.

Every afternoon, when the man in the bed by the window could sit up, he would pass the time by describing to his roommate all the things he could see outside the window.

The man in the other bed began to live for those one hour periods where his world would be broadened and enlivened by all the activity and color of the world outside.

The window overlooked a park with a lovely lake. Ducks and swans played on the water while children sailed their model boats. Young lovers walked arm in arm amidst flowers of every color and a fine view of the city skyline could be seen in the distance.

As the man by the window described all this in exquisite details, the man on the other side of the room would close his eyes and imagine this picturesque scene.

One warm afternoon, the man by the window described a parade passing by. Although the other man could not hear the band, he could see it in his mind & eye as the gentleman by the window portrayed it with descriptive words. Days, weeks and months passed.

One morning, the day nurse arrived to bring water for their baths only to find the lifeless body of the man by the window, who had died peacefully in his sleep. She was saddened and called the hospital attendants to take the body away.

As soon as it seemed appropriate, the other man asked if he could be moved next to the window. The nurse was happy to make the switch, and after making sure he was comfortable, she left him alone.

Slowly, painfully, he propped himself up on one elbow to take his first look at the real world outside. He strained to slowly turn to look out the window beside the bed.

It faced a blank wall.

The man asked the nurse what could have compelled his deceased roommate who had described such wonderful things outside this window. The nurse responded that the man was blind and could not even see the wall. She said, perhaps he just wanted to encourage you.

Epilogue: There is tremendous happiness in making others happy, despite our own situations. Shared grief is half the sorrow, but happiness when shared, is doubled.

If you want to feel rich, just count all the things you have that money can’t buy.

Today is a gift, that is why it is called The Present.

A Beautiful Story

This was sent to me a few days ago, I thought I’d share it….

A beautiful story you may have read before…

I arrived at the address where someone had requested a taxi. I honked but no one came out. I honked again, nothing. So I walked to the door and knocked. ‘Just a minute’, answered a frail, elderly voice. I could hear something being dragged across the floor. After a long pause, the door opened. A small woman in her 90’s stood before me. She was wearing a print dress and a pillbox hat with a veil pinned on it, like somebody out of a 1940s movie. By her side was a small nylon suitcase. The apartment looked as if no one had lived in it for years. All the furniture was covered with sheets….There were no clocks on the walls, no knickknacks or utensils on the counters. In the corner was a cardboard box filled with photos and glassware.

‘Would you carry my bag out to the car?’ she said. I took the suitcase to the cab, and then returned to assist the woman. She took my arm and we walked slowly toward the curb. She kept thanking me for my kindness. ‘It’s nothing’, I told her. ‘I just try to treat my passengers the way I would want my mother treated’.  ‘Oh, you’re such a good boy’, she said.

When we got in the cab, she gave me an address, and then asked, ‘Could you drive through downtown?’ ‘It’s not the shortest way,’ I answered quickly. ‘Oh, I don’t mind,’ she said. ‘I’m in no hurry. I’m on my way to a hospice’. I looked in the rear-view mirror. Her eyes were glistening. ‘I don’t have any family left,’ she continued. ‘The doctor says I don’t have very long.’ I quietly reached over and shut off the meter. ‘What route would you like me to take?’ I asked.

For the next two hours, we drove through the city. She showed me the building where she had once worked as an elevator operator. We drove through the neighborhood where she and her husband had lived when they were newlyweds.. She had me pull up in front of a furniture warehouse that had once been a ballroom where she had gone dancing as a girl. Sometimes she’d ask me to slow in front of a particular building or corner and would sit staring into the darkness, saying nothing. As the first hint of sun was creasing the horizon, she suddenly said, ‘I’m tired. Let’s go now’

We drove in silence to the address she had given me. It was a low building, like a small convalescent home, with a driveway that passed under a portico. Two orderlies came out to the cab as soon as we pulled up. They were solicitous and intent, watching her every move. They must have been expecting her. I opened the trunk and took the small suitcase to the door. The woman was already seated in a wheelchair. ‘How much do I owe you?’ she asked, reaching into her purse. ‘Nothing,’ I said. ‘You have to make a living,’ she answered. ‘There are other passengers,’ I responded.

Almost without thinking, I bent and gave her a hug. She held onto me tightly. ‘You gave an old woman a little moment of joy,’ she said. ‘Thank you.’ squeezed her hand, and then walked into the dim morning light. Behind me, a door shut. It was the sound of the closing of a life.

I didn’t pick up any more passengers that shift. I drove aimlessly lost in thought. For the rest of that day, I could hardly talk. What if that woman had gotten an angry driver, or one who was impatient to end his shift? What if I had refused to take the run, or had honked once, then driven away?

On a quick review, I don’t think that I have done anything more important in my life. We’re conditioned to think that our lives revolve around great moments. But great moments often catch us unaware-beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one.

PEOPLE MAY NOT REMEMBER EXACTLY WHAT YOU DID, OR WHAT YOU SAID, BUT THEY WILL ALWAYS REMEMBER HOW YOU MADE THEM FEEL.

I’ve been avoiding reality

Tree of Truth

Reality. I’ve been trying really hard to avoid it and come to terms with it. Every time I come even a little close to it, I run back further.

You see, the truth sits in front of my reality and if I face the truth, I’m scared I might shatter and break. I’m scared I won’t be able to handle it. I’m scared the loneliness of my reality while haunt me. And so, I won’t face the truth; the reality.

My reality is that very soon I will be completely alone. My reality is that already I’ve lost my best friend. My reality is that I’ll be moving in to a home very soon that I am not completely thrilled about moving into. My reality is that this home is going to be only mine. My reality is that the emptiness of this home and my life combined will depress and turn me into something I don’t want to be.

What is that you say? Fill the home with happiness? Happiness? Who is to determine what happiness truly is? You? Me? I don’t know what true happiness is anymore. I haven’t felt it in a couple of years now. Seems like happiness runs from me every time I come near.

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My fear of Losing my Mother

Over 10 years ago my grandmother passed away. Hundreds of people attended her funeral as she was very kind to everyone she ever met. She took in homeless and helpless people. Someone was a daughter and the other a son or brother or sister. She helped people when no one else would. So, when she passed, a lot of people showed up.

But the one person I couldn’t help take my eyes off was my own mother. She cried helplessly. She was heartbroken. I knew she felt should wouldn’t be able to go on without her mother. And that day, 10 years ago, I realized that I would be the same. I realized that if anything were ever to happen to her, I would not be able to figure out how to live the next day.

My mother, not only is she the one who gave birth to me, but she is also my bestfriend. She is the one person that has loved me through it all; today, yesterday, ups and downs. She may not have always agreed with my decisions but she stood beside me all along.

And the realization that one day she will leave me scares the living hell out of me. It’s the worst fear in the world. I’ve lost loved ones in my past. But this is something I can only hope I’ll be able to cope with. The severity of my fear of losing her is that when she’s sick I’m worried sick. When she’s flying over seas, the whole time she’s on that plane I’m praying she’s safe. When I hear emotional songs, I cry thinking about her.

I don’t know how I’d cope or accept it.

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Wish I'd been more selfish

A few months ago I had put in M’s resume for a job at my current employer. The person in charge of accepting the resumes for the specific position we were submitting it for is someone I have worked with before. So, as a favor to me, he got M an interview. Vie did well during the interview but didn’t hear back from my company.

But then yesterday, my friend came up to me to ask me whether my BF was still looking for work. My response, “my EX-boyfriend, you mean?”. He said “Oh, never mind then”. But then he told me to think about it and give him an answer first thing this morning.

I tossed and turned all night. It drove me insane. You know, M hasn’t been the nicest person to me over the past few weeks and well we broke up. So, I was torn between niceness and telling my friend to NOT give Vie the job. But the nicer person inside me remembered how I felt when I was unemployed for almost 2 years and how good I felt to finally get a job.

So, I let the nice person inside me jump above the selfishness and I said yes to my friend this morning. I called M to let him know he might get the call. But after hanging up with him, my friend called back to say he couldn’t do that to me and was not going to hire M. I sort of insisted and pleaded to just give him the job and not worry about how I would feel with him working here. After a lot of convincing, he finally said ok and passed over M’s contact information to the hiring manager.

Later this morning, M got a call to come in for the job at the beginning of September. They let him know his salary, hours and duration of the contract. He agreed and called me after hanging up with the manager.

He told me he got the job. But sadly, he wasn’t excited how I had hoped he would have been. Or maybe he just didn’t want to show me his excitement. I thought he would’ve been more appreciative or happy about it, but he wasn’t.

I wish I could have been selfish this time and not cared about him or what he was going through. I wish I didn’t hope to hear his excitement after getting the job. I wish I could have just told my friend to throw away his resume. But I can’t and I couldn’t. It’s not in me. Well, at least not when it comes to M, even though he could care less about me. 😦

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The One Who Got Away

Me!

Yes, many have come and gone in my life. That is the circle of life. One leaves, a new appears. One door closes, another opens. But through the circle of life and the people coming and going; the one person I truly miss is myself. We adapt to who we are with. We change ourselves; the way we dress, the way we act, the person we are for others. And through it all, we forget who we are or were.

Like that, I’ve forgotten who I am and was and am now trying to find myself again. So, all in all…I was the one that got away. I miss me!

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