Tag Archives: me

Procrastinating To Write

The new year is here and I’ve already begun procrastinating to write my blog posts. I’ve been finding the brain stimulation to actually write extremely challenging, hence why I haven’t written until now.

To be very honest, I’m physically exhausted. I worked all through the holidays without a break and then ended up with a sinus infection, which I’m still battling now.

Question: do you ever get this feeling that not everything is well in your body? For instance, your legs are constantly sore, you get chills at the weirdest times or feel so lethargic that no matter how much you sleep or try to rest, it just doesn’t seem to be enough?

Well, that’s how I’ve been feeling every day for the past couple of months. I have this constant feeling of feeling unwell.

Yes, I know I should seek medical assistance and get myself checked out and I will later this week.

Although, I did try this last Friday but the impatient, asshole of a doctor I got didn’t even bother to hear me out and dismissed my request to get my annual blood work and physical done because he wasn’t my regular doctor.

Like, hello? I’m telling you I’m not feeling well and that it’s been going on for a few months, how about you don’t jump to write a prescription for antibiotics just because I told you I have a sinus infection and actually do your damn job to check me out and figure out what’s wrong with me?

I’ve never left a doctor’s office so irritated that I could actually punch the doctor for being such an impatient dick. (End rant)

So, now I have to wait to see my regular physician when both of our schedules match. Sigh.

Anyway, I hope your new year has started off with a bang and better than mine. I’m not going to make endless promises that I’m going to write everyday or every week. I will write as my body and mind allow me to write. So, please be patient with me as you always are and come back and check up on me regularly because sooner or later, I’ll be back here again!

Xoxo – stay blessed and enjoy yourselves.

~ Tamana

Quick Update

Wow, has my life ever gotten busy over the past couple of weeks; I can barely catch my breath! Between school, work, mom/wife duties/life, I barely have any energy or time to write about anything.

Can you imagine, I’m already into week 3 of school and have already written 3 tests, 4 quizzes, presented a group assignment and will be writing my second exam later this morning! Serves me right for taking an intensive course. But yikes, is it ever keeping me busy and on my toes.

My mentality has changed significantly over the past few weeks and has become a do or die type, no turning back, the only way is up, my only option is success type of mentality. I have become very focused on everything I want and need to do these days to ensure I am successful in everything I do moving forward.

I haven’t even started putting up my Christmas tree or decorations yet. Matter-of-fact, I’m not even in the Christmas spirit this year. As much as I love Christmas, it’s all about the hustle for me right now: hustle with work, life, family, school. I just want to push myself forward and move up in the world.

So, I may be delayed with putting up posts for the next while. I will try to do my best to get my posts up in a timely manner but if I go MIA again for a few days, you know it’s because life and school are keeping me very busy and I may be having difficulty managing and prioritizing my time. But I will try my best to get some restaurant reviews and holiday posts up soon!

Until then, stay blessed and enjoy the beginning of the holiday season! Xoxo

~ Tamana

Who Are You?

Everyday of our lives, we meet someone new. Some are passerby’s, some stay awhile and depart and some become a part of us forever. But regardless of what their role is in our lives, they leave a piece of them with us and take a piece of us as they go.

We see only what they are willing to let us see. We hear only as much as they are willing to tell us and we feel only as much as they are willing to let us feel.

But then there are some people that come into our lives, who have the power to disturb everything we were so comfortable with. These people are more us, than us ourselves. It’s as if they were missing from the us we knew ourselves to be. You feel different, you act differently, you become a part of this person that you didn’t even know existed. And just when you thought, you knew everything there was to know or you felt everything you needed to feel, the mask comes off.

The existence of us disappears. Everything you thought you knew is no longer relevant. They are no more of us than us ourselves. They never were. Your mind created this existence that you thought you knew. Your eyes imagined this face that was never really there.

It was all an illusion of your mind. The person you thought you felt was never really there. It was all your imagination and foolishness. You allowed yourself to see a face, feel an existence that never was.

You’re left hollow, dumbfounded and feeling stupid for feeling anything at all and it shatters your core, rips through your soul piece by piece, shard by shard, letting you feel every tear as if a thousand knives were striking you. You are left unable to move, unable to think, unable to explain who it was you had experienced. So, who are you now if you aren’t the you that you thought you were when this person was more of you than yourself?

It’s My Birthday Week

MEYou read the title right; my birthday is only 6 days away and I’m so excited for it. I’ve got absolutely nothing special planned but I am excited that it’s my birthday, more excited than I’ve ever been.

As some of you may know, I used to hate my birthday because it always resulted in broken promises and unfulfilled expectations. But this year, I have no expectations from anyone, except myself! I have set some goals for myself, that I hope to begin soon and I have some self-improvement ideas as well.

I’m really hoping for a day to myself. Is that selfish? I just want to have a day to do whatever I want, by myself, on my terms. A day that does not consist of me running errands or catching up on housework. And if it’s not too much to ask, I’d like to enjoy my day without the limitation of finances. That’s what I would really love for my special day.

But we’ll see how the days leading up go and what turns out to be my day!

Depression: Where did it all begin?

I’ve been lazy to write this week. I’m home today with a terrible headache or migraine that won’t go away. I feel very sleepy almost all day long, even though I have chugged down 2-3 large black coffees throughout. I know it’s the lack of calories, sleep deprivation and emotional roller-coaster that has me feeling this way. But there’s more to it.
Last week, I had a follow-up with my physician. He said my depression wasn’t a chemical imbalance and was more relationship/situation based. I find that absurd. I mean, it’s partially true; I am unhappy with many relationships/situations in my day-to-day life. But I have been depressed for a long time, longer than I can remember. Were all those years of feeling unhappy all situation based as well? I try hard to analyze the past 32 years and find it hard to nail down the true cause of my depression and what started it all. So much has happened over the years, how do I list it all?

It needs to be done, though. I need to list all the situations or events that happened, one-by-one. Then expand on each situation, explain it, analyze it and then conclude it.

Maybe it is time I begin my autobiography, again. I tried this a few years ago, got pretty far and even posted parts of it on here. But soon after, decided to remove everything and delete it. Stupid mistake. But I know why I deleted everything; too many secrets. Secrets that could ruin me, secrets that could hurt me and those around me, secrets I have not told anyone, ever. Maybe it is time I grab a notepad and begin to write. This maybe the first step to finding my reason for being.

Learning To Love Thyself, Again

When black clouds cover your skies and hopelessness takes over your mind, you begin disliking yourself. You dislike your surroundings. You dislike the people in your life. You dislike anything and everything that crosses your path. Everything turns ugly. Things you once appreciated become mere annoyances. You’re constantly frustrated and agitated easily. It takes all your might to find enough reasoning to get out of bed in the morning.

All this because you don’t like yourself. You haven’t loved yourself in as long as you can remember. You let how other people love you become more important than how you love yourself.

It’s hard to love yourself again. Especially, with those negative thoughts invading your heart. But to recover from the depression and anxiety, it is essential to push the negativity down, deep-deep down, so that a little hope of happiness can begin rising up.

It will take time. It cannot be done in one quick moment or even in a day. It will take many days, months even. But it will come. You just have to find a way.

I haven’t found my way, yet. I put on red lipstick this morning as an attempt for a little happiness, even a half-smile. It didn’t help. I will try something else. I read somewhere, make a happy list. A happy list is a list of all the things that make you happy, even if it’s only for a second or two. Add your favorite colors, foods, things to do, materialistic items; whatever can bring even the slightest of smile to your heart or lips.

I’m going to work on my happy list later today. Or maybe throughout the day when time permits. This will be my first step towards loving myself again.

 

What An Amazing Weekend

I rarely count my blessings, but today I surely am. I hadn’t slept properly all week and was feeling the lack of sleep’s toll on my mind and body. I asked my parents to pick up Ni for the weekend so I could relax and get some rest; which my mother was ever so kind in doing. D was at work on Saturday and so I had the complete day to myself and Sunday we woke up late and spent the rest of the day with my parents.

It was a much-needed break on my part. But I did miss my Ni throughout the weekend, especially at times when I’d be sitting and doing nothing; the house was so quiet. But she enjoyed her time with her grandparents and I too enjoyed my time alone. I went shopping on Friday evening and then again on Saturday. Walked the mall peacefully without worrying about Ni getting agitated or hungry and tired. I even sat in the food court with a friend and at lunch (very rare event for me).

Saturday evening I spent over at my neighbor V’s house. She tried one so many dresses and outfits in preparation for her upcoming vacation. We sorted through her jewelry and she was ever so kind in giving me a pair of gold earrings with my birthstones on it. Later Saturday night, D and I went out for dinner and a long drive. It was really nice spending some alone time with him.

Sunday was well spent too. After lunch with our parents, my mother and I went shopping. She bought me a Pandora bracelet with charms. She knew I had wanted one for the longest time and so she took me to Pandora and let me pick and choose whatever I wanted. We even picked one up for my sister. My mom’s the best. I don’t say enough but she truly is the best and I’d be lost without her.

All in all, it was an amazing weekend. How was your weekend?