Tag Archives: mental health

Alone – Random Thoughts

My mind has been playing games with me daily, I have been having extreme highs and even more extreme lows. One day, I appreciate the world, the things around me, the people that haven’t strayed away from me and the things I have. The next day, I feel confused, baffled by my lack of energy and determination to go on, alone, depressed and a general hatred for humanity.

I have put myself in situations that may seem stupid or unnecessary to an onlooker, but deep within the depths of my soul, I know these situations were a long-time coming. I stirred the pot and am now paying the consequences of my interference.

But I have come to realize that when you want a change, when you want betterment, when you realize your self-worth and demand it from the people and things around you, it becomes a journey you have to go through alone.

Yes, there are a few souls I am blessed with who check-up on me from time to time, wanting to make sure I am still here and wanting to know that I haven’t let my darkness overcome my soul. These souls, I am ever so grateful for.

However, I cannot be completely open with any of them. I have found myself hiding bitter details from every one of them, whether it’s one thing or another. The soul that truly knows me is the one I hide my miseries from the most because that soul is burdened by their own situations and wouldn’t be able to carry the weight of mine along with theirs.

So, on the nights when my soul and being is dark, low and disturbed, I find myself feeling extremely low and yearning to let everything out. The weight of these burdens feels overwhelming and exhausting causing me to feel alone.

In this moment, the loneliness I feel is beyond any loneliness I have ever felt.

I am coming to realize and understand (slowly), that this is a journey I need to go through alone. No one can save me from the situations I have caused, except for myself. I just wish that all the energy, love and time I had sacrificed for others was reciprocated right now, because fighting your demons on your own is a lonely and scary scenario to overcome.

But I still stand alone and will stand alone for as long as it takes to overcome this chapter of my life because as the saying goes:

This too, shall pass.”

~Tamana

Rock Bottom

There is a time in our lives when we hit rock bottom, some of us more than once. Everything that you could think of going wrong, goes wrong. Every attempt to climb back up makes you slip down even further. You don’t realize how far down you can go until you slam face first into the ground and realize you have lost everything you spent so many years building.

When you look up from the bottom, the light seems far out of reach. You begin to lose hope. You begin to lose sense of reality. Everything that once made sense suddenly seems so stranger and confusing. And if you’ve got a destructive personality, you turn to self-sabotage. You’re already at the bottom, you might as well destroy the little bit of self you have left.

You know what you want and need to get back up but nothing works in your favour. Every opportunity to rebuild demolishes and becomes far out of reach.

So what do you do? How the fuck do you get back up? How do you rebuild? Forget turning the pages, how do you burn the goddamn fuckin book and begin again?

This is my dilemma. I am stuck; glued to the bottom. Every time I try to get up, I get pulled back down partially by my own demons, partially by situations. Every attempt is failing. Every hope is dying. I have lost all sense of reality and nothing is making sense anymore.

~Tamana

Transformation, From The Inside Out

Since I made the decision to finally lose weight and get healthy, it was important to realize that my physical appearance has a lot to do with the way I feel about myself and not just what I see in the mirror or what others see. It has to do with my mental and spiritual health and that has to begin with getting the negativity out and positive energy in. It must also consist of positive self-talk. But when we have resentment or anger hidden within us, it’s nearly impossible to feel good about ourselves and others.

I have always been an advocate for keeping a diary or journal, because those are our raw thoughts that no one else is allowed to see or know. So, I took a trip to Indigo and spent way too much on a rustic leather journal for myself; a small incentive for thinking about and focusing on myself first. However, I cannot walk around with the journal all the time due to the bulkiness of it. So, I have been writing notes to myself with the date and timestamp on my iPhone notes and then later rewriting them in my fancy journal. I know, the double writing (and typing) may seem tedious; however, I have found that as I read back what I wrote earlier, it helps me reflect and sort out those thoughts and feelings.

Another tactic I have found to work towards bringing my mind and heart to peace is that I have began telling people how they make me feel. I am confronting people when things upset and hurt me. No, I am not fighting anyone, but yes, I am speaking openly. On the flip side, if someone makes me feel special or warm with something they say or do for me, I make sure to let them know that as well.

I am going through a phase of transforming who I am. I feel like I am shedding layers of resentment, anger, and unhappy thoughts. I am also realizing that I have many hidden thoughts that need to start coming out so that I can deal with them and move on. This has led me to feel more comfortable in my skin. I’m still not sleeping as much as I should, however, I am not feeling as uneasy anymore.

Baby steps! That’s all I’m focusing on, taking baby steps and everyday doing one thing that makes me feel happy, warm or thankful inside.

 And today I’m thankful for you being here and reading the journey of my battle with myself. Thank you for taking a few minutes of your time to share my life with me. 🙏🏼

~ Tamana

Bell Let’s Talk Day: Mental Health Awareness

For the last eight years on January 31st, Bell Let’s Talk Day has opened up the conversation of mental health. It was an initiative to remove the stigma around mental illness.

In my culture and community, mental illness is still a taboo. We don’t openly speak about depression or mental health issues; you’d be quickly labeled as mental or retarded (for a lack of better word). Which is why the Bell Let’s Talk Day is so important for me.

It’s no secret that I’ve battle with depression and mental instability over the years. Anyone that’s read my blog or knows me personally knows what I’ve gone through and how I’ve struggled to overcome my depression. So for me a day to openly admit and discuss how mental illness affects my life is a day I can’t take for granted.

Mental illness is not a bad thing. Each one of us faces some sort of mental illness throughout our lives. It is now time we speak about it openly and stop hiding behind the masks that everything is okay and that if we speak about our mental struggles people will label or judge us.

Today, let’s check in with our loved ones and open up the conversation for mental health. Every text, tweet or social media conversation with hashtag #BellLetsTalk 5 cents will be donated towards mental health initiatives. Open up the conversation and do your part to make sure you and your loved ones have the support they need when they are struggling.

~Tamana

The Decision To Take Anti-Depressants

Emptiness

A while ago, I was prescribed anti-depressant to deal with my depression, I didn’t take them. There is so much negativity around taking anti-depressant, especially in my culture. Taking a pill to deal with yourself is a sign of weakness and you are labelled as retarded or mentally unstable.

Even my parents had this thinking. Taking pills for mental health and/or speaking to a psychiatrist meant you were needy and unfit. It was a big taboo. So, I never took anti-depressant, no matter what happened in my life and how badly it affected the person I was becoming.

Growing up, I was the tough-child. Nothing phased me. I could get through everything without shedding a tear, or so everyone believed. But I cried myself to sleep a million times, never in front of anyone. I kept a diary and put my heart and soul on paper. But refused to let my hard-exterior drop in front of others. This went on for years and years until I finally started cutting myself. Did your jaw just drop at the news of that?

Cutting oneself is a different kind of high that many people do not understand. When you are battling your worst demons and your heart hurts, it is nearly impossible to rid yourself of the pain you are experiencing. This is where cutting came in for me; if I could inflict physical pain to myself, then maybe the internal pain would stop. And it did. For some time.

You don’t cut to kill yourself. Anyone that has ever gotten to the point of cutting themselves, knows this and knows how and where to cut and if they don’t, they’ll indefinitely look it up. For me, it was this mindset that I needed to do anything in the world to get the pain out of my mind and soul and so I cut. At the time, this was my logic. 15-20 years later and slightly wiser, I know cutting won’t rid me of my demons or pains. If anything, I’ll make me weaker knowing I gave into my misery.

Today I have decided to take an anti-depressant. After much thought, reading and research, it became clear to me, that this is the way to go. I don’t know what the outcome of this tiny pill will be; all I can hope for is that it helps me control these extreme highs and lows I have felt for the past while, especially this week.

This week, I have felt defeated. I have felt lost. I have felt hopeless, almost pathetic. I felt like running away. I even lay in bed a few nights ago and thought how my husband and child’s lives would be should I pass-away suddenly. No, I didn’t plan my suicide or even consider doing it. It was just thoughts of am I helping their lives? Am I making their lives any better or easier? Am I giving them happiness? Or are they secretly as depressed as I am because of my depression?

After fighting myself all week, I urgently made an appointment with my family doctor, met with him and gave him the details of this episode. He knows the history, he knows the triggers. He knows it must have been so bad this time around that I HAD to see him immediately. And after a long chat, he prescribed me with Wellbutrin. It’s going to help calm things down, I hope.

I took a pill this morning. anti-depressant don’t take effect immediately. But this is a beginning to managing my mental-health and stability.

Some times a new beginning is all you need.