Tag Archives: money

Not So Festive This Year

I don’t know what it is this year, but I just can’t get myself into the holiday spirit. I’m not the least bit excited about it being Christmas and for all of you that have followed my blog over the years would know, that’s extremely shocking, because I am the Martha Stewart of Christmas, normally.

Not this year, though. This year, I could give a rats ass about the holidays or Christmas coming or going and quite frankly, every time I have to open my wallet to buy another gift or item for Christmas, I am left even more annoyed.

Hey, I’m not cheap! I just can’t believe how commercialized this holiday has become and how we’ve all completely fallen for the retail industry’s gimmick of what Christmas is.

Plus, the cost of living has become so expensive, that you’re literally counting every penny to make sure you don’t over spend and blow your budget and then resent it later on, especially after this holiday is over.

Honestly, I’m sick of it all! I want a Christmas where no one gives or gets a present, everyone shares the responsibility of preparing dinner or lunch, what have you, and everyone cleans up after it’s all said and done. Then we all sit together, laugh and talk about stupid, silly things and all the adventures we experienced over the past year and drink ourselves silly.

That’s what the holidays should be about, isn’t it? If so, then how did we all get so wrapped up in gift exchanging and spending/blowing so much money? I mean, if you want to give a loved one something to show them how much they mean to you, can’t you do that all year long? Why must we wait for a stupid “hallmark” holiday to pop up before we can show them?

Well, I told everyone close and dear, this is the last Christmas I am buying and exchanging gifts. There will be no more gift giving allowed during the holidays in my home, moving forward. We’ll all still celebrate the accomplishments we had throughout the year and celebrate the love we have for each other, but not by exchanging gifts.

So, my lovelies, I’m sorry for not posting a more festive post today or for sharing all the amazing recipes of baked goods this year because there are none. Quite frankly, I might just order Chinese food for Christmas dinner and call it a night.

Happy Festivities to all of you, though and do share your perspectives on my thoughts above. Do you think I’m right that the holidays shouldn’t be so complicated and we’ve all lost the true essence of what it means to celebrate Christmas and all the other holidays? Let me know what you think!

Xoxo ~ Tamana

The Battle Between Stupidity and Depression 

It’s no secret that I battle with depression. It’s the one thing about myself I remember for as long as I can think of. My doctor says it’s something I’m going to have to deal with for the rest of my life and I shouldn’t let it consume me. I don’t think he’s ever experienced depression before and I pray he never does. But how can you tell a patient they have depression and not to let it take over them?

Depression isn’t a symptom I woke up feeling one day or virus I contracted by being near someone who had it. Depression is something that I grew up with and the severity of it grew as I did. It’s who I am, a part of me just like smoking is. The only difference; I choose to smoke but I don’t choose to be depressed.

During an episode of depression it is very easy to let go of all the things and people that are important to you. It’s very easy to forget who you are or what you are doing. It’s excruciatingly painful but a pain that isn’t described by pointing to a part of your body; it’s a soul pain.

And sometimes, an episode can lead you towards addiction, self-harm, solitude, disregard and stupidity. It can lead you to do things that you’ll indefinitely regret later on. But as much as you try to control yourself you can’t. It’s like being on drugs, once you’re on them you lose yourself and the drug takes over, you are a prisoner to your own mind.

Recently, when I was severely depressed, I did something stupid and somewhere inside me I knew it was wrong and stupid but I couldn’t help myself. My mind played games with me, I couldn’t control or stop myself and unknowingly did something else that has completely messed my life up. I sat at a bar recently and drank myself silly, I knew I was getting drunk, but I didn’t stop until I was wasted. I came home by cab and fell asleep on the couch. Dev and Nid came home later and woke me up. That’s not the stupid part. The stupid part was that while I was getting drunk, I dropped over a two thousand dollars out of my pocket; which I was supposed to put into the bank.

Dev doesn’t know. He’d kill me for being so careless and stupid. He wouldn’t understand why I got so stupidly drunk that I would let myself go so much that I couldn’t handle myself. He doesn’t understand my depression.

I thought I would create one of those gofundme accounts that you always hear of on the news. But I couldn’t share the details with anyone with the chance of him finding out. I even thought about selling some of my jewelry or something to try to recover some of the money but I’ve got nothing on hand valuable enough to even make a difference. 

I just don’t know what to do. I mean, how could I be so stupid? This idiocy has caused me even more depression and I’m at my wits end. I feel so alone because I can’t tell anyone in my circle. There’s no one to ask for help. What do I do? 

I’m fed up of being depressed and feel pathetic. I show everyone how happy I am and what a good mom I can be. But I’m not. I’m a complete mess. I’ve tried to keep myself busy with doing activities and writing but the thought of all of our bills and rent bouncing creeps into my mind and sometimes I just wish I could end everything and disappear. I wish I was dead. I wish it would all just go away and Nid and Dev would live happily ever after without the mess up that I am in their lives. But death doesn’t come so easily and I am still here fucking up their lives and ruining the happiness the two of them so badly deserve. 

Weekly Update

Good morning Lovies! I know I’ve been MIA for the past few days. It’s just been a busy month for me and its just going to get busier as I get closer to my maternity leave coming to an end.

Ni hasn’t been feeling well these past few days, so all my attention and enegy has been towards her. She’s teething (finally) and her head’s horribly warm and tummy upset. I took her to the doctor’s office yesterday, but he says he’s a healthy little babushka and not to worry as children her age go through this when teeth. It’s hard not to worry though. She’s so small and I’m her mommy, so I can’t help myself.

So as you can imagine, I’ve been quite focused on her. Then there’s been a death in a family-friend’s home of a young man; which has left many of us shocked and asking questions. If you’re in Toronto or Canada, you may have read the news of a gentleman being burned to death in his vehicle in Barrie, Ontario. Yup, I knew him. He was an acquaintance’s husband. My parents are headed over to the family’s house this morning to convey their condolences. Although, I didn’t like the deceased’s wife, my sympathy is definitely with her and her two young children. It’s really sad to hear of death, especially one of such a young man.

If that was horrible enough news, my sister-in-law called my parents and told them her daughter had an attack over the weekend and was hospitalized. She’s only 3 years old, is an autistic child and apparently had a seizure or something. She’s better now but my parents are quite upset, as am I and D.

Anyway, it’s just been an unsettling week and I haven’t felt like writing. But decided it was time for a quick update. I’m still waiting for Ni’s tooth to start poking out, nearly 10 months and no teeth yet. She looks like a little old toothless lady. Adorable as always but quite frustrated these past few days. So, I’m going to try and write again soon. But if I don’t, please be patient with me, there’s a lot going on and is emotionally draining.

Until next time, have a safe week. Xoxox

Happy February: Beginning My Resolutions

Today I begin working towards my New Year’s resolutions: weight-loss, getting my GED and saving money. I know I’m a bit late starting but it’s been a busy week and I’m finally feeling better now too. I’m quite anxious to get started and see how I progress as the year goes by.

I’ve already set up my tax-free savings account with my bank and have made my first deposit. I’ve decided to have $25 automatically deposited from my checking account into the savings account. If I can save anything else on the side, I’ll go into the bank and have it deposited. Initially, I had planned to put away $1 the first week, then $2 more the next week and so on. But going into the bank that frequently would be a hassle, so for now I’m depositing $25 monthly. But will be putting money in a jar at home weekly and depositing it at the end of the month.

As for my GED, I received my first course in the mail a few days ago. I’m a bit nervous to be starting it as the course work has changed since I last took the course. But I’m sure with a little effort, I’ll get into it and succeed. Plus, D has offered to help whenever I need it; which is reassuring since I have written essays in a while.

As for my weight-loss goal, I’ve begun that too. I’ve cut out sugar, salt, cola, junk food, pizza, burgers and most pastas. I’m also drinking hot water before and after each meal. I’ve also been drinking hot water with cinnamon and honey two times a day. Apparently, this mixture helps cut fat and digest good better. I’ve weighed myself before beginning and my start weight was 238lbs. Wow, I can’t believe I just made that public. But so you all know, I don’t really mind telling you where I’m starting, even though its embarrassing for me because my target weight will be amazing! I’m try to drop down to 175lbs and I’m giving myself until December to achieve it.

Wish me luck on all my goals. I am really anxious to get to the finish line. It’s going to be tough but I have lots of determination. I’ll keep you all updated on my progress!

I’m Drowning

I’m drowning; won’t anyone come rescue me? I’ve swam too far into this hell; won’t someone save me?

Nothing is going right in my world. Everything seems to be falling apart. All the hopes and dreams I’ve had are slowly shattering. And I, I keep swimming further and further into this hell and am being pulled down by the weight of the world on my shoulders.

I feel like I’m dead. A walking zombie. All I want to do is cry, scream and yell at the universe. I want to call upon all those Gods above and fight with them. I want to ask them, why! Why they continue to test me over and over again.

I don’t have the fight left in me. I’m exhausted and I cannot fight no more. I can’t take this constant struggle to make ends meet, to satisfy everyone’s requests and needs. I’m exhausted by constantly being turned down for my desires and wishes. I’m exhausted of begging and pleading for what’s rightfully mine. I’m done. Done. Done. Done!!!!!

This is a cry for help that never comes. This is a plead for the miracle that does not exist. This is me coming too close to doing something too drastic. This is a cry for a change.

Someone, somewhere read this and be that miracle. Anyone!