Tag Archives: my life

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas to you and your family, from me and mine! I hope this Christmas brings you all the love and joy you’ve asked Santa for.

We’re having a quiet one this year. Lots of changes in the works, so decided to keep it quiet while we figure out what the new year is about to bring us. But my little munchkin had an amazing time unwrapping her gifts and seeing the joy on her face reassured me that it’s all worth it in the end.

Stay blessed and cherish your loved ones this holiday season, for the best gifts are the ones that cannot be bought. Xoxo ✨❤️🎄✨

~Tamana

Living Our Best Fake Lives

A couple of days ago I decided to deactivate my Facebook account. I have been an active member of Facebook for over nine years. However, over the past couple of weeks, I realized that everything we post on Facebook and other social media platforms is only partially true. We are all living our best fake lives when sharing them on social media websites and apps. We never post pictures of the depression we deal with or the miseries and setbacks we encounter.

Why is that?

Why is it that we must show the world our very best and not things that make us weak or fragile? After all, each and every one of us struggles with something or the other. But why is it that we only capture the good things that happen to us and share those? Why is it okay to suffer in solitude but celebrate in a crowd?

I recently read a quote that said:

We are a sad generation with happy pictures. – author unknown

The quote struck a nerve with me and resulted in me deactivating my Facebook account. I am tired of showing family and a few very close friends only the partial truth of my life. Yes, my Instagram account is still active and I post on it frequently but do you know what the difference between my Facebook and Instagram account is? My Facebook account had all my family from overseas on it and Instagram has a few friends, many acquaintances and tons of strangers on it. On Instagram I am open about my feelings and miseries, I frequently share quotes about things that may be happening in my life at the moment. Quite frankly, on Instagram I don’t care if anyone judges me because they are not family. But on Facebook, I posted the happy family moments, shared my achievements and celebrations. Because somewhere deep down I know that if I shared the miseries or full reality of my life, I would be judged by my family.

How pathetic is that? We wear a mask in front of our family and bare it all for complete strangers. But that is the reality many of us are living.

With all the changes happening in my life right now, I decided I didn’t want to pretend to be a happy person just for the sake of not being judged, so I deactivated my Facebook account. The family that wants to stay in touch with me will do so by other means and if they actually care enough to know what the full reality of my life is they’ll contact me and ask. Simple as that.

I’m done pretending that I’m living my best life, when in reality that isn’t the truth. Everyone has ups and downs in life, some more than others, either way, we all struggle. So, why put on a show pretending that all is perfect and well when the truth is far from that?

~Tamana

Happy Birthday Nene

Happy birthday, my darling! Today, I wish you all the happiness in the world. I wish you good health, prosperity and so much love. I wish that every dream, every goal, every desire is fulfilled for you.

There are so many things I want to say to you but I just don’t know where to start. I would’ve never thought walking into that classroom a year ago, I was going to meet someone who would become such an important part of my life. Yes, this past year I have been blessed with a few very good girlfriends after years of searching for girls I can call mine. But the relationship that developed with you is beyond anything I had imagined I would ever get again.

My first best friend in Canada and the longest standing friendship I ever had was with a girl named Mel. She was my friend, my mentor, my sister. After my friendship with her ended, I never thought I’d find another Mel. 18 years later, here you are. The only difference is you sit on a higher pedestal than Mel ever did and forever will.

Without you being in my life this past year, I don’t know how I would have survived school, family, life. Seeing you everyday, all of our shenanigans, even our fights were what helped me get through some of the toughest days of my life and still are.

I know I say it all the time, but it’s important for me to say it today and for you to understand how sincere I am when I say that I love you with all of my heart. You are one of my blessings and I am forever grateful to Allah for bringing you into my life.

I love you so very much, doll! Happy Birthday! 💋💋💋💋

~Tamana

Rock Bottom

There is a time in our lives when we hit rock bottom, some of us more than once. Everything that you could think of going wrong, goes wrong. Every attempt to climb back up makes you slip down even further. You don’t realize how far down you can go until you slam face first into the ground and realize you have lost everything you spent so many years building.

When you look up from the bottom, the light seems far out of reach. You begin to lose hope. You begin to lose sense of reality. Everything that once made sense suddenly seems so stranger and confusing. And if you’ve got a destructive personality, you turn to self-sabotage. You’re already at the bottom, you might as well destroy the little bit of self you have left.

You know what you want and need to get back up but nothing works in your favour. Every opportunity to rebuild demolishes and becomes far out of reach.

So what do you do? How the fuck do you get back up? How do you rebuild? Forget turning the pages, how do you burn the goddamn fuckin book and begin again?

This is my dilemma. I am stuck; glued to the bottom. Every time I try to get up, I get pulled back down partially by my own demons, partially by situations. Every attempt is failing. Every hope is dying. I have lost all sense of reality and nothing is making sense anymore.

~Tamana

Happy Birthday To Me

A few days ago a friend asked what I was going to do for my birthday. Being in my depressed state of mind at the time, (I’ll explain why below), I told her I had nothing to celebrate. I told her we were going to skip my birthday this year.

But after hanging up the phone with her, I started thinking about her question and more importantly my answer. I did have a lot of celebrate this year. Although, things weren’t going as I had planned for the moment, I still had a very successful year.

A dream, a hope, a desire I had only imagined of and hoped for the past 16 years came true this year. It took everything in my power to make it happen, everything that could go initially wrong went wrong, but the matter of fact is that it finally happened. It changed who I am today and who I will be for the rest of my life.

I also finished my course and graduated with honours. It was a struggle going back to school yet again, but one I am proud of because I exceeded my own expectations.

Finally, my solo trip to Thailand and Malaysia. Who would’ve thought a year ago I’d be on the other side of the world, alone, experiencing a whole different life.

I guess, I had quite the blessed year. My life has completely changed. I may have lost people along the way but I have gained so much more than what I lost and I am so grateful for everyone and everything that has happened in my life this year!

Here’s to me and all my gains! 🥂

~Tamana xoxo 💕

Nid’s 7th Birthday Letter

Happy Birthday, my precious darling.

Today I wish you all the happiness the world has to offer. I wish you success and wisdom with everything you do. I wish you strength and tolerance to overcome every obstacle and fear. But most of all, I wish you love; may your heart forever be filled by it and may you always project that same love out into the world.

This past year you have grown so much as a young lady, sometimes working your magic on keeping me in line. Most days I wonder how I got so blessed to become your mother. You have been my strength this past year, helping me get through the many obstacles and fears that overcame my mind and heart.

The older you get the more I realize that I have a best friend growing before my eyes. You are the love of my life. You and I both know I never liked children, I still don’t today. But you, my darling, have taught me that there are little angels like you that fortunate mothers like me get blessed with which make loving children so important and necessary. You have taught me to love, to be patient and to accept what life gives me.

Your cleverness and intelligence makes me question my own intelligence. Your maturity makes me wonder which one of us is the mother and which one of us is the child. Your sassiness and wittiness has shown me a side of myself that I don’t know yet if I should celebrate or fear. But most of all, the love and affection you portray to me and the rest of the world has taught me to be a better person.

You are the blessing every mother asks for when praying for a child. Someone up there must really love me because I was blessed to have you come into my life.

I love you baby girl and wish you nothing but the best life has to offer. Happy 7th Birthday, Nid! Xoxo

~Mommy

Death and Rebirth

In astrology, the scorpion is known for its constant cycles of transformation, ruled by emotions and instinct. It stings itself rather than others, hence killing itself off and re-emerging stronger, wiser, more determined.

I have always believed in astrology and have taken the characteristics of my zodiac sign seriously. Maybe that’s why I find myself, time and time again, in transformation mode; killing my old self and giving birth to a new, wiser one.

This trip across the world made me realize that my soul is ready for another transformation. Everything I have been for the past few years, needs to change. My mindset and career are evolving. I have hit rock bottom. I am broke, unemployed, emotionally drained and physically unwell. My relationships are being tested, some intentionally, some due to the circumstances that have arisen.

Now that I’m at rock bottom, the only way to move is up, with or without anyone by my side. It’s become apparent, especially over the past few days that people will only stand by your side for so long. Some I would have never thought to leave my side, who would have stayed through no matter what situation arose, have proven me wrong. Others I thought would divide the moment the volcano erupted have stood steady becoming my pillars. Finally, there are some that have proven how ignorant I have been for so long. The masks have all come off and everyone is now recognizable.

Including myself.

I am no longer the Tamana I was three weeks ago. I am no longer the mother I was. No longer the wife, sister, daughter or friend I was. Every responsibility has changed. I died a million deaths over the past twenty days, each time killing a relationship and responsibility and with each death giving birth to a new relationship and responsibility. Assessments of every new relationship was made and given the priority it required.

The highest priority given to self because the death of that Tamana taught me that without a rebirth of an improved, determined Tamana none of those priorities or relationships would matter.

Here I stand with the death of the old and rebirth of the new Tamana; the writer, the self-efficient, independent woman with her priorities in order and self-awareness higher than ever. Like the scorpion, her stinger is raised, ready to attack anything and anyone that threatens her or her peace.

~Tamana