Tag Archives: myself

Happy Birthday To Me

A few days ago a friend asked what I was going to do for my birthday. Being in my depressed state of mind at the time, (I’ll explain why below), I told her I had nothing to celebrate. I told her we were going to skip my birthday this year.

But after hanging up the phone with her, I started thinking about her question and more importantly my answer. I did have a lot of celebrate this year. Although, things weren’t going as I had planned for the moment, I still had a very successful year.

A dream, a hope, a desire I had only imagined of and hoped for the past 16 years came true this year. It took everything in my power to make it happen, everything that could go initially wrong went wrong, but the matter of fact is that it finally happened. It changed who I am today and who I will be for the rest of my life.

I also finished my course and graduated with honours. It was a struggle going back to school yet again, but one I am proud of because I exceeded my own expectations.

Finally, my solo trip to Thailand and Malaysia. Who would’ve thought a year ago I’d be on the other side of the world, alone, experiencing a whole different life.

I guess, I had quite the blessed year. My life has completely changed. I may have lost people along the way but I have gained so much more than what I lost and I am so grateful for everyone and everything that has happened in my life this year!

Here’s to me and all my gains! 🥂

~Tamana xoxo 💕

Happy Birthday To ME!

It took me 36 years to be confident in my own skin and to love who I am and as I age, I truly believe I am aging like a fine wine! My confidence levels have soared and my love for myself has reached its peak!

“I am more mine, before I am ever anyone else’s.”

And that has taken me 36 years to figure out!

Happy Birthday to Me! I love me and am proud of who I am, who I have become, who I will become and everything I have and will accomplish in my life! Have a drink for me tonight, cause I sure as hell will be having a few too! Cheers!

~ Tamana

What Changed?

Someone asked me this question yesterday, “what changed? You seem different now.” They said I had a glow to my face, a sparkle in my eye and a confidence that hadn’t been there for a long time in any of my pictures. “So, what changed?”

Someone else asked me if I had someone new in my life; someone bringing out the beauty in me. I laughed and said “yes, there’s someone in my life but they aren’t new; I just lost them for a while and found them again.” She honestly thought I was cheating on my husband and had gone back to an ex-boyfriend or something.

I explained to her, it was nothing of the sort. I told her I didn’t have time for anyone new or old back in my life right now. She looked dumbfounded at me and asked what the fuck I was talking about.

I continued to explain, I found myself again; the same self I allowed to disappear behind all the people and things I was so happily wasting myself and energy on. I cut so many toxic and negative people and things out of my life. I needed to make peace with myself.

“I gave you more than I gave myself. So loyal to you that I betrayed myself.” – Cardi B

It took me a long time to realize that the battle wasn’t between me and the world, but instead it was between me and myself.

And I won.

The next day, everything changed on it’s own. My charisma was back, the sparkle and glow returned. The waking up in the morning with a smile on my face became a part of my life again. And most importantly, I slept; not for an hour or two, but a full night’s sleep, without interruption.

So, to answer your question about what changed, I chose me, again. That’s all that needed changing.

~ Tamana

Depression: Where did it all begin?

I’ve been lazy to write this week. I’m home today with a terrible headache or migraine that won’t go away. I feel very sleepy almost all day long, even though I have chugged down 2-3 large black coffees throughout. I know it’s the lack of calories, sleep deprivation and emotional roller-coaster that has me feeling this way. But there’s more to it.
Last week, I had a follow-up with my physician. He said my depression wasn’t a chemical imbalance and was more relationship/situation based. I find that absurd. I mean, it’s partially true; I am unhappy with many relationships/situations in my day-to-day life. But I have been depressed for a long time, longer than I can remember. Were all those years of feeling unhappy all situation based as well? I try hard to analyze the past 32 years and find it hard to nail down the true cause of my depression and what started it all. So much has happened over the years, how do I list it all?

It needs to be done, though. I need to list all the situations or events that happened, one-by-one. Then expand on each situation, explain it, analyze it and then conclude it.

Maybe it is time I begin my autobiography, again. I tried this a few years ago, got pretty far and even posted parts of it on here. But soon after, decided to remove everything and delete it. Stupid mistake. But I know why I deleted everything; too many secrets. Secrets that could ruin me, secrets that could hurt me and those around me, secrets I have not told anyone, ever. Maybe it is time I grab a notepad and begin to write. This maybe the first step to finding my reason for being.

I Want To Give Up

I am tired of pretending. I am tired of caring. I am tired of thinking of outcomes and solutions. I am tired of laying sleepless every night. I want to call it quits. I want to give up because I cannot handle this anymore.

I cannot find a middle ground. There is no grey; just black and white, mostly black.

I keep thinking about Ni, it’s not fair to her. I am half here, half God knows where. She deserves me fully. But I cannot give her that. I do not want to think about Ni. I want to be selfish and just let everything go.

My mind is terribly disturbed, restless even. My heart feels heavy and torn, shredded into a million pieces.

How do people do it? One part of me thinks, how does one let everything happen and still go forward in their day-to-day, dealing with it all. The other part asks, how does one get to the point of just saying, “fuck it, I quit” and walking away from everything that ever meant anything to them.

Why am I stuck between these two thoughts? Why can’t I find peace with one or the other?

I ask myself over and over again, what is lacking? I know the answer. But I also know, that I can’t force it to happen. And I refuse to accept what I cannot change. So, why don’t I just walk away from it all?

I want to give up.

Learning To Love Thyself, Again

When black clouds cover your skies and hopelessness takes over your mind, you begin disliking yourself. You dislike your surroundings. You dislike the people in your life. You dislike anything and everything that crosses your path. Everything turns ugly. Things you once appreciated become mere annoyances. You’re constantly frustrated and agitated easily. It takes all your might to find enough reasoning to get out of bed in the morning.

All this because you don’t like yourself. You haven’t loved yourself in as long as you can remember. You let how other people love you become more important than how you love yourself.

It’s hard to love yourself again. Especially, with those negative thoughts invading your heart. But to recover from the depression and anxiety, it is essential to push the negativity down, deep-deep down, so that a little hope of happiness can begin rising up.

It will take time. It cannot be done in one quick moment or even in a day. It will take many days, months even. But it will come. You just have to find a way.

I haven’t found my way, yet. I put on red lipstick this morning as an attempt for a little happiness, even a half-smile. It didn’t help. I will try something else. I read somewhere, make a happy list. A happy list is a list of all the things that make you happy, even if it’s only for a second or two. Add your favorite colors, foods, things to do, materialistic items; whatever can bring even the slightest of smile to your heart or lips.

I’m going to work on my happy list later today. Or maybe throughout the day when time permits. This will be my first step towards loving myself again.

 

Good Morning

 

Sunday mornings are the best; I wake up super early, put my laundry to wash and then dry and then make myself a cup of coffee and relax as I watch the sun come up from my balcony. Ni and D are still sleeping, so I’ve got a couple of hours to myself to write some blog posts, collect my thoughts and plan for the week ahead. 

I know I’m sleep deprived but these couple of hours by myself are totally worth losing sleep over. Rarely do I get to spend time without a worry in the world to just be on my own. So, I cherish Sunday mornings as if they’ll never come again. Luckily, for me they do and I get to enjoy them watching the beauty of our world. 

Next week is going to be a very important week for me. Something I’ve worked extremely hard for will be decided. The last four years of my professional life have been dedicated to working hard, learning as much as I can and developing and pushing myself to the limits. This upcoming week will decide whether I have succeeded or not. I’m confident that I’ve done a good job, I’ve built my reputation and experience enough to land me where I think I should be. I just hope that the people around me see that and feel that way too.

I’ll let you know once I have more information on this big change hopefully coming to my life. Just wish me luck, cross a couple of fingers and pray for me, in case I need the extra push in blessings and luck to get me where I want to be. 

Have a blessed Sunday. I hope it’s productive, relaxing and spiritually uplifting; mine sure has begun that way!