Tag Archives: relationships

Happy Father’s Day!

Happy Father’s Day to all the dads out there, especially my dad and my hubby. We are so blessed to have the fathers that we were given to. And although, throughout the years I’ve had my many ups and downs with mine, he still is the best dad that I could ever have. 

I hope you all enjoy your day with your dads and cherish every moment you have with them. Happy Father’s Day! Xoxo

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He Wasn’t My Best Friend, After All. 

I had a best friend; he was one of the closest people to me. He knew all my secrets and all of my fears. I shared everything with him and went out of my way to always make him smile. When he asked me for a favour, I made it my priority to fulfill it. I was always there. He was my best friend in the whole world. 
Or so I thought.

He was never actually my best friend. I was never actually his priority. He never went out of his way to make me smile or happy. He was just a friend. Yes, he made me smile and he helped me out when I asked. 

But he let my friendship with him nearly end over another relationship. 

He left a year ago and recently came back. Prior to coming back, we spoke once. He apologized for everything and I forgave him. 

When I found out he was finally coming back, I thought I was getting my best friend back. I thought everything would go back to how it previously was. I thought…so much. But none of it did.

He came back completely changed. He wasn’t the person I called my best friend. The fact that I even consider him a friend now is surprising to me. Although jokingly, he denies being my friend at all. We argue now and he puts me down in front of other people. He questions my decisions and motives. He treats me as if he is just tolerating me because we work together. 

Since he’s been back, I’ve tried talking to him and figuring out why he acts the way he does towards me. But he just responds with sarcasm or ignores the question all together. I’ve tried to leave things as they are and move on but find it ridiculously hard to do so. This person was supposed to be the person I called my best friend. He was supposed to be my support system and one of the ones making me laugh and smile. 

But he no longer was any of those things. Or maybe he was never any of those things to start with and it was an illusion of my own mind. I was his best friend but he was never mine and may never be.

Thinking About Everything 

I used to write a lot. Whether it be in a diary or notes on my phone or on my blog; I always managed to take a few minutes to write my thoughts down. Lately, I don’t seem to have the energy to write anything. I’m always exhausted because of the work I do. But there are so many things always going through my mind and I feel like they are just building up inside of me. I need to release them before my mind explodes.

Here I am today. I woke up at 5:30am for no reason at all. I don’t know when I fell asleep after putting Nid to sleep last night. I don’t know when Dev got home and what he did after that. I was in deep sleep from exhaustion of the week that passed. I’ve been up for several hours now, drinking my second cup of coffee and smoking my fourth cigarette. I realized as I starred thoughtlessly at the sky that I need to write. My mind feels fogged up and with so many things on my to-do list I am not giving myself the break that I do badly need. 

So here I am writing about the need to write instead of writing what is stuck deep inside my mind. I guess the fact that I am writing at all is enough for me to cope with everything that is going through my mind. Or maybe I’m just procrastinating to get my thoughts out in the open. Or maybe the thoughts I want to write about will hurt me or the people around me should I release them from within me. 

When did I become so scared to say what I felt? I was never like this before. I never cared what others thought or what I outcome of my outpouring would be. So why now? 

Motherhood. Wife-hood. Daughter-hood. Sisterhood. Friend-hood. Maybe all those relations and responsibilities have changed the way I express myself. Maybe those relationships are too sacred for me to hurt. Maybe as the years pass by and my responsibilities and relations strengthen I am losing that bold, outspoken, straightforward part of myself. Maybe I am losing myself little by little. 

Maybe I miss me. Maybe that’s why I find excuses not to write anymore. 

A Weekend To Reconnect

When you’re married, when you have a child or children, when you’re both working full-time and different shifts; life takes a toll on your marriage. Your relationship and understanding of each other is put to the test. Your ability to communicate to each other is weighed by the obstacles and dilemmas occurring in your life at that specific moment. Taking the time to talk and discuss pressing matters or even how you’re feeling becomes a major task in itself.

Your life and everything in it, weighs you down. Your spouse and you stop communicating because you don’t have the time to make the other person understand what you are saying and when you say what you want to say without explaining it, the two of you just end up bickering at each other or walking away in frustration. So, you stop communicating all together.

Of course, you talk to each other on the phone during working hours and for the few minutes you see each other before bedtime. But you don’t actually talk-talk, like discuss what’s going on and how you’re feeling. And all that not talking, leads to resentment. It leads to misunderstandings. It leads to regret. It leads to wondering why you got married and all those other millions of questions that follow that why.

Sometimes, you need to put everything aside and decide to make the time and effort to work on your marriage and that is exactly what D and I are doing this weekend. We’re going away for a mini vacation with the hopes of working some of our differences away. It took a lot of effort and planning to get to this point but we need it. I’ve felt like we were drifting away from each other and due to the lack of time, there was a lot of frustration and resentment building up. 

I’m hoping to come back refreshed and a bit less frustrated. 

How do you deal with your domestic drama and lack of communication? Have any tips to share? I’d love to discuss! Let me know and wish me luck on my mini-vacay (hopefully we don’t beat the crap out of each other in the process). Lol!

Everything’s fine. But is it really?

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Do you ever feel like you are just looking for issues to make you unhappy? You see everything around you and all seems fine. But deep down, you know nothing is at it seems. Sugar-coating your life just to get through the days is easy to do. But what are the consequences of sugar-coating? Are you comforting yourself just because you’re scared to face the facts? Or have you stopped caring so much that you begin overlooking the bitter truths of your reality?

I woke up this morning and everything was fine. Knock-on-wood, there are no pressing obstacles in my path right now. As I do every morning, I told myself that I would have a good day today and so, my day began on that note. I got ready, got in the car, picked up my morning coffee, turned on the music and began my journey to work. As I was driving, I repeatedly played the same song over again. Not because it had any sentimental meaning, I just like the song and it puts me in a fantasy that is just that, a fantasy of mine – never to come true. I got to work, sat down at my desk, opened WordPress to write and as I sat there thinking about what I wanted to write about today, I started reflecting on my morning, on my night, on the day before, on that fantasy.

And I realized, the glow on my face and the smile on my lips, the want to look pretty, it was all a cover-up for the burning sensation of tears hidden in my eyes. If I don’t think about it, everything is fine and good; there is love, laughs, happiness and a mostly comfortable life. But should I look deep into my eyes in the mirror, there is a pressing need that remains unfulfilled in my heart. I’m not ready to confess what that need is out into the world yet. If I let it out and act to fulfill it, it may destroy that “comfortable” life I mentioned earlier and I’m not sure if it’s worth it yet or not. I’m scared of the outcome.

As I write this, I hold back hundreds of tears wanting to scream and yell at the world. But they mustn’t come out. No. They will destroy me. Hold them back, it isn’t time.

Time. When will it be the right time?

Why am I thinking about this stuff?

Like I said, everything is fine. So why stir the pot? Wouldn’t it be better to numb these thoughts and just go on with my days as if I don’t care and this “need” doesn’t matter?

Yes. That is a better solution than digging deep into my heart and eyes. Push back the tears, Tamana. Push them deep down where you can’t find them. You don’t get everything in life the way you had hoped it would be.

“You can’t have your cake and eat it too.”

Stop writing. Walk away.

I am.

My husband is not my soul-mate and that’s okay

20111023-192831A few weeks ago, I wrote about my soul-mate. My soul-mate is a person I have never met before. He lives on the other side of the world and there probably isn’t a chance I’ll ever get to meet him. After writing this post, I got a few concerning reactions from friends who read my blog. They questioned my intentions for this man and the integrity of my relationship with my husband. To clarify my “soul-mate” blog post: 1. I have a soul mate. 2. My husband is not my soul-mate. 3. I love my husband and am in a happy, loving relationship with him.

My husband: He is my best-friend. He is my love and the one I have chosen to spend the rest of my life with. He is who I want to grow old with and walk hand-in-hand with. He is who I turn to when all the happiness in the world is filled in my heart, when I have a fear or concern. He is who I look to inspire me, spoil me and tell me how fantastic I look. He is the person I spent my lazy Sundays and hectic Mondays with. He is my husband, my life-mate but no, he is not my soul-mate.

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My relationship with my husband is bound by the contractual agreement we both signed to love, cherish, respect and support each other. The signing also provides rights to recreate life and share this little human-being we call our Princess, Miss Ni. We accepted each other in sickness and in health. Our marriage brought us together, turned us into a family and gave us reasoning to move forward in our lives and grow together.

The relationship with my soul-mate (or there lack of) is completely different.. We have no contract. We barely even speak to each other. We will not love or cherish each other until the end of our days. We will not recreate life. We may probably never even meet. But he is the person I can think of to put a smile on my face when nothing in my life is going right. He is the reassurance I need who will never judge me. He hears my silence and understands the depth of my eyes. He knows how to make me feel like I look like a million bucks but doesn’t ever make me feel worthless.

I love my husband dearly. He is a gentle-kind person. He’s funny. He makes me happy. He is a devoted and caring father, making Ni one of the luckiest little girls out there.

Yes, I love my husband to the core of my being and will hold his hand through all our ups and downs. But no, he isn’t my soul-mate and that’s okay with me.

The Unofficial (Official) One Year Wedding Anniversary

Reading the title of this post, you’re all probably wondering what the heck I’m talking about. Well, it’s true. D and I will be celebrating our one year unofficial-official wedding anniversary on August 10th. 🙂 It’s unofficial because none of our family knew about it (we eloped!!!!). But it’s official because we were legally married on this day last year according to Canadian law.

I fell in love with D the moment I met him. It was the first time in my life I knew that this person was the one. It was the first time, I told my family and cousin that no matter what happens, I’m going to marry this guy. And lucky for me, that’s exactly what happened. After my cousin Manu and Nit got married, D and I started dating. Three weeks into the getting-to-know-each-other phase, I told him that I was in love with him and 2 months after that day, I told him that we would get married some day. He probably thought of me as some wacko or something, but I just knew. You can read how we met and all the rest of our love story here.

Anyway, I proposed to D in early August last year (yes, I proposed). Like any other guy, he declined. I was heartbroken but didn’t make a big deal out of it. Three days later, he proposed back, then I declined thinking he was only doing it because he knew I was upset about him declining. Two days after that, I said yes and a week after that we called a small Indian temple here in Scarborough, Ontario, arranged for the pandit to wed us, called a few friends, my younger brother (aka my best friend) and we were set. I told my boss, I was eloping and needed the day off, he gave his blessings and allowed me a “free-pass” for my wedding. We got married on Wednesday August 10th, 2011 and none of our families knew.

After our wedding, things started to progress with my family and his about our wedding. You see, although a couple can fall in love and find their partner, in Indian society, it’s the parents and closest relatives that make the arrangements for the wedding. D still had to ask my father for my hand in marriage and his family had to work with my family in ensuring that our wedding was well planned and organized.

All of that happened and when the actual wedding was done, we were asked to file legally in India (since that’s where our wedding happened). At which time, we had to tell my parents and his family that we had already gotten married in August. I was nervous that everyone would freak out. But surprisingly no one did.

Anyway, so now you know the details behind the unofficial-official wedding. So, to celebrate, D and I are having friends come over for dinner this Sunday. I’m really looking forward to this dinner, since we haven’t really entertained in a long time. Then Monday we’re going to do D’s anniversary surprise; which is still hidden and will only be disclosed after Monday. Wednesday, I’m having a family dinner with my parents over at our place and finally on Thursday and Friday, D and I are going out-of-town for a two-day rendezvous! It’s the first time he’s taken off work to go out-of-town and do something romantic. So, I’m super excited and looking forward to rekindling our love and relationship.

As always, I promise to post lots of pictures of the week as it progresses. 🙂

Until then…xoxox