Tag Archives: sad

Depression And Not Much Else To Talk About

I went out this weekend, got completely shit-faced drunk and then spent the remainder of the weekend with a hangover. The baby was with my parents, thank goodness, plus I didn’t drive, so I was free to do whatever I wanted. I thought getting drunk and dancing at a club like I was single again and a teenager would make me feel better. It didn’t.

Nothing is making me feel better. I feel miserable at home and at work. My career is stuck with no growth potential left. I feel looked down at, as if the people that are now running the show don’t know my abilities and I doubt they care to know. Each day is such a challenge to get ready and make myself go to work.

At home it isn’t any better. Nothing seems right and I am just not happy with anything around me. 

I want to escape, alone for a while without worrying about anything. 

Even writing on my blog isn’t helping these days. I need a break! 

Another Night, Another Emotional Battle With Myself

Sometimes I feel like something is missing. But what? Money? No. We’re comfortable for the moment. A home? No, we’re happy were we are. A husband? No, I have one of those. A child? No, I am blessed with one of those as well. Food? No, there’s never been any shortage (thankfully).

Surrounded by everything I “need” to survive and even some “wants” to keep the days more pleasurable, I find myself feeling empty. Something is amiss. Like a piece of me is lost. There’s a void I cannot fill. No one has been able to either. But I don’t know what it is that I’ve lost or misplaced or that has been taken from me. But I am not me. No, I am a lost a soul; unhappy in my skin, in my darkness, in my light. Nothing anyone does can change the way I am feeling. No one can push back the tears that ever so easily flow from my eyes. No one can give me reasoning to why I am fighting this battle.

All the positives in my world do not let me escape this negativity. A piece of me is lost. Lost somewhere far away. But how  do I find what I don’t know is missing? Who do I ask to bring back that piece of me when I don’t know who’s taken it? There is no light at the end of my tunnel. There is no silver-lining to these dark clouds overhead. So, I toss and turn and the night passes with my heart and mind battling each other once again.

My heart says you have plenty. My mind shouts back, “there’s this one thing missing”. My heart says be thankful for all you have. My mind says with all I have there is an emptiness. My heart says people around you love you dearly. My mind says I know but why isn’t it enough? My heart says it will all be alright, have patience. My mind looks for a way to make it all alright but finds nothing.

Emptiness engulfs me and makes me cry. With each tear that falls another little piece of me goes amiss. I lose myself deeper in this darkness. Finally, I fall asleep and the tears stop. Utter silence. It all goes away for a little while.

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Sometimes Letting Go Is The Only Option

People come into our lives all the time. Sometimes they stay for a little while and leave. Sometimes they stay for a long while and leave a footprint on our hearts. Then there are people that come into our lives who you think you’ll know forever because you automatically hit if off; connected with them in a way you haven’t connected with anyone else before and then they suddenly depart. It leaves you searching for answers and looking for reasoning. You cannot come to terms with the fact that this person has departed your life without even as much as a goodbye. Days pass by. Weeks pass by. Even months pass by. You try your hardest to reach out to them, but they don’t respond.

Then there comes the hard decision to delete them from your social media accounts and close their chapter in your life for good. Clearly they are not responding because they have moved on. Shouldn’t you do the same?

For me, letting go of someone I considered such a great friend is extremely difficult. Over the past 8 months, day-by-day I have lost a little bit more of my friend to the point where I don’t think people would even consider us friends anymore. But I did still consider her to be my friend, that is until this morning when I took the decision to “unfriend” her off Facebook. It was an extremely hard decision but one that needed to be done.

I only allow access to people on Facebook if they are active in my life and/or a relative I care enough about to continue to keep in touch with them. When I first opened my Facebook account, I had over 1000 “friends” on it. As the years passed by, I realized I wasn’t going to speak to nearly 900 of these people ever in my life again and if that was the case, they didn’t need to know what was going on in my personal life and vice-verse. I learned this a long time ago – the more people you interact with from your past, the more drama its going to cause. So, for the last couple of years, I’ve done an annual clean-up and purge of my Facebook contacts, keeping only a select bunch that truly matter.

This is why it was so hard for me to delete her from Facebook.

For the past 4 years of my life, during some of the biggest moments of my life, she was there. She supported me. She celebrated me. She was my shoulder. She was my big sister. She was my mentor at work. And now she’s gone. I don’t know what went wrong and why. I guess it is what it is and I should suck it up and move on. It just hurts me and makes me sad that she recently celebrated one of the biggest things in her life and I was nowhere near part of it the way she was for me during my time.

I wonder if she’ll ever look back at the last 4 years and remember the crazy, funny, amazing times we had. If she does and recalls my blog, she’ll stumble upon this post and realize its about her and when she does, I want her to know that I am thankful for everything she did for me over the past 4 years. I’m thankful for the friend she was and grateful to have met her. I will miss her and never forget her. I wish her happiness, health and love for all her life. And if our paths ever were to cross again, I hope we can meet the way we were before today.

Depression and Anger: My Reasoning

c3cbd436f8c911e2a7f822000ae912d2_7Have I mentioned in the past while how terribly depressed I feel? Have I talked about my real feelings in my past few posts? No. I’ve kept them inside me for some time. I’ve spoken to people I thought were my friends and confided in them, only to have them exploit me and my comments. So, I’ve stopped. I’ve just bottled everything up inside of me. The feeling of hopelessness. The feeling of not being good enough. The feelings of anger. Wanting to scream and cry. Wanting to run away. I’ve kept it all inside of me.

I recently spoke to a therapist. I told her everything that was going on. Our hour ran out quickly and she told me she had to go. But before she did, she asked me what I wanted from a specific person I was so angry at. What did I want this person to do in order for me to feel less overwhelmed and frustrated? I told her, I wanted him to guide me, to converse with me more than just saying yes, no, I don’t know, I”m busy. After she prompted me some more, her response and question to me was, “so you want him to proof-read your work?” I was like, what? No. Yes. I don’t know. Maybe?

That’s not what I want from this man who is playing such an important role in my life these days. Stupid  therapist. Why didn’t she ask the right questions? How the heck do you get to proof-reading from everything I’ve told her? Sigh!

After I hung up the phone with her, more frustrated than I was before speaking to her, I sat there a few minutes and thought to myself, why had I made this man so important in my life? For what? Approval? Recognition? Sure, he is who he is and that has some importance to it. But I’m actually depressed, miserable, ready to cry on days when “I” feel like he’s not pleased with me. What the heck is wrong with me? I’ve given someone SO much importance in my mind (more than my husband and child) that him not liking me, has caused me to want to up and run away? How the heck does that happen?

Of course, many things current and prior contribute to this whole series of depression and anger, but he not liking me and speaking to me as if I am incompetent has really taken its toll on me.  It’s made me question my ability. It’s made me second-guess myself over and over. It’s made me so desperately want to perfect things, just to show him that I am the best for the things I do and he’s got me figured out all wrong.

I hate him for not liking me. But I hate myself more for giving this man so much importance in my life that I’ve left myself feeling vulnerable and miserable. I hate that I’ve caused myself so much anxiety. I hate that I have shut my family out and gone into a bubble of my depression and anger.

I wish I could prove to this man who I am more competent than the assholes who tell him otherwise. I wish I could show him that everything he knows about me or has been told about me is absolutely wrong. I wish I could change his mind about me.

I don’t think I can, though. I mean, he’s been fed a lot of crap about me and all I can do is try to prove myself; which I have done this whole time. Whether it’s enough or not is yet to be determined.

I think I need to step back and take a deep breath. I think I need to reassess the importance people have in my life. I think I need to reassess my self-confidence and build it up again and hopefully all this depression and anger will finally go away.

But where do I start and how? Any suggestions?

Pep Talk

Had an interesting meeting this morning with one of my bosses. He suggested that I go back to school part-time; maybe take some Business courses. He says that I am a “bright” person and he thinks I’ll do very well in our industry. But he would like to see me take more of a strategic role. He wants me to start thinking of ways to expand our business.

Interesting thought! I felt quite excited after our brief chat. While I was walking back to my desk, I kept thinking of what it would be like to go back to school, even if it was part-time. I felt enthusiastic about it.

He mentioned taking courses and then having a long-term goal of getting an Executive MBA. He also mentioned that the EMBA would cost nearly $89,000 CAD. Plus, $400-$1,000 per course that I took before enrolling into the EMBA program.

Reality hit me pretty-fast after the figures started circling my head. Where in the world would I get $89,000 to pay for my tuition, let alone $400-$1,000 per course? I can barely make ends meet now, how am I supposed to fund schooling?

Vie isn’t working. He’s trying to look for work. Sadly though, he hasn’t found anything yet. His EI ends pretty soon and then it will be my income we survive from.

But going back to school. Being one of those people who I sit and envy when they talk about going to this university and doing that course. Me being one of them? That would be something!

But the question remains, how would I fund it? 😦 Saddened am I.

My credit’s literally fucked. I have no relatives that would help. My parents won’t help. So, how do I do it? What do I tell my boss when he asks me again whether I’ve thought about it or not?

😦

Resignation

What do you do when suddenly your manager gives in their resignation? How do you deal with the changes that are upon you, your department and your job?

If you were close to your manager as I was to mine, you would realize that this bit of news has left me quite distressed. Not only is she my manager but also my mentor and friend. Due to the changes and turnover in our department, I was very reliant on her support. I can understand the reason she has chosen to resign but I cannot come to terms with what my job holds for me now that she is leaving.

You see, our department has gone through many changes over the past 6 months. We have lost a client services representative; who was not replaced. 2 product specialists have resigned and 2 others have moved on to a different sector of our company. The client services department was then completely removed and myself and a colleague were promoted to replace 2 of the product specialists. 2 new product specialists were then hired to replace the previous.

Our department handles calls, emails and tickets for 3 major verticals and 2 minor ones. I am part of the employment team. My manager’s job description has evolved to working directly with me on the employment sector. There was just the 2 of us running 90% of the operations for the employment sector. However, with her resignation, I am left alone to handle all tasks pertaining to employment.

As you can see, I’m quite stressed. I was asked yesterday how I felt about this sudden news. Stressed! Upset! Nervous! Does that answer your question? I know I am up for the task. I know that I can and most probably will excel and do all that needs to be done; even though I am by myself. I know that I am able to handle high levels of stress and an extremely busy work environment.

But what bothers me is that I don’t feel as if I am being paid enough to do what I do. When this job was offered to me, I was asked my expectation. I said the standard amount for most in-house transfers and/or promotions: 10% increase. But as I’ve worked as the product specialist over the past month or so, there is no way in the world that 10% increase was enough. Although, they did “grant” the 10% increase, I have yet to see my first paycheck with this amount. I lost over a month of the 10% increase on my pay.

So what do I do? I know I don’t have a back up plan. I know I have not been looking for other jobs. Do I bluff? What if they call my bluff and I’m left without a job?

April 11, 2010

I’ve had some time to think about her leaving. I initially started writing this post on Monday (April 5th) it’s now the 11th and well forget about my salary issues, forget about the bluff and my back up plan. I think I’ve come back to depression. I know “we” (my manager and I) have had our ups and downs. I know we’ve had issues with a power-struggle. I know that because we are both women, there has been some jealousy issues as well. But I’ve come to realize, all that set aside, I’m truly going to miss her: our morning coffee breaks, our quick runs to Tim’s, our gossiping, or chit-chat about the latest Bollywood flick. I won’t have anyone to do all those things with. I won’t have a friend anymore. 😦

She’s been my inspiration over the past 18 months. She’s made me a better person and employee. She’s given me hope and guidance when I needed it most. She’s supported my decisions. But mostly, she’s been a friend I could talk to. Now, in a week, she’ll be gone. Although, I could keep in touch with her, it won’t be the same.

Resignation: it’s been one of the toughest things I’ve had to deal with this year so far.

Bitter Sweet

Before I begin writing on what happened on Friday, I’d like to give a little history.

I started working for my current employer over a year ago. I am a client services representative; supporting 4 major verticals of our online classifieds business. When I joined this employer, all points of my job were exciting. But soon, I became very familiar and enthusiastic about one particular vertical.

Everyone I work with, my boss, my fellow client service reps., even the product specialists and managers all knew I was extremely interested in progressing my career in this specific vertical. It has been like a passion. I love learning new things but any time an opportunity struck for this vertical, I was on top of the game.

Because of my interest in this vertical, I soon became good friends with the product specialist for this vertical. She is a year younger than me but has worked as the specialist for over 2 years and has been with the company in general for over 4 years. She has taught me many things and we have a good working relationship.

I always told her to hurry up and get promoted so that I could take her place. And on Friday, she announced that she had resigned. 😦 I almost wanted to start crying. To be honest though, I was a little happy as well. You see, my employer is going through many financial changes. The recession has hit our industry extremely hard and they are just not handing out promotions right now. So, the only way for me to become the specialist would be if she either got promoted (which myself and her both know was highly unlikely) or if she quit.

But the last thing I wanted was for her to quit. I wanted her to become the manager of the product and I to be the specialist. This would allow for me to work closely with her and learn from her. She’s a good teacher. Sadly though that won’t be the case.

I’ve spent most of the weekend thinking about her and the job. The whole situation is just bitter-sweet. I’m going to miss her dearly and I haven’t fully come to terms with the fact that in 5 weeks or so she’ll be leaving.  Although, maybe I might get promoted. Maybe my career is finally going to take off.

It’s too soon to speculate as we don’t even know if the top guns are going to rehire for her place as yet or not. But I am hopeful.