Tag Archives: sadness

Learning To Love Thyself, Again

When black clouds cover your skies and hopelessness takes over your mind, you begin disliking yourself. You dislike your surroundings. You dislike the people in your life. You dislike anything and everything that crosses your path. Everything turns ugly. Things you once appreciated become mere annoyances. You’re constantly frustrated and agitated easily. It takes all your might to find enough reasoning to get out of bed in the morning.

All this because you don’t like yourself. You haven’t loved yourself in as long as you can remember. You let how other people love you become more important than how you love yourself.

It’s hard to love yourself again. Especially, with those negative thoughts invading your heart. But to recover from the depression and anxiety, it is essential to push the negativity down, deep-deep down, so that a little hope of happiness can begin rising up.

It will take time. It cannot be done in one quick moment or even in a day. It will take many days, months even. But it will come. You just have to find a way.

I haven’t found my way, yet. I put on red lipstick this morning as an attempt for a little happiness, even a half-smile. It didn’t help. I will try something else. I read somewhere, make a happy list. A happy list is a list of all the things that make you happy, even if it’s only for a second or two. Add your favorite colors, foods, things to do, materialistic items; whatever can bring even the slightest of smile to your heart or lips.

I’m going to work on my happy list later today. Or maybe throughout the day when time permits. This will be my first step towards loving myself again.

 

The Decision To Take Anti-Depressants

Emptiness

A while ago, I was prescribed anti-depressant to deal with my depression, I didn’t take them. There is so much negativity around taking anti-depressant, especially in my culture. Taking a pill to deal with yourself is a sign of weakness and you are labelled as retarded or mentally unstable.

Even my parents had this thinking. Taking pills for mental health and/or speaking to a psychiatrist meant you were needy and unfit. It was a big taboo. So, I never took anti-depressant, no matter what happened in my life and how badly it affected the person I was becoming.

Growing up, I was the tough-child. Nothing phased me. I could get through everything without shedding a tear, or so everyone believed. But I cried myself to sleep a million times, never in front of anyone. I kept a diary and put my heart and soul on paper. But refused to let my hard-exterior drop in front of others. This went on for years and years until I finally started cutting myself. Did your jaw just drop at the news of that?

Cutting oneself is a different kind of high that many people do not understand. When you are battling your worst demons and your heart hurts, it is nearly impossible to rid yourself of the pain you are experiencing. This is where cutting came in for me; if I could inflict physical pain to myself, then maybe the internal pain would stop. And it did. For some time.

You don’t cut to kill yourself. Anyone that has ever gotten to the point of cutting themselves, knows this and knows how and where to cut and if they don’t, they’ll indefinitely look it up. For me, it was this mindset that I needed to do anything in the world to get the pain out of my mind and soul and so I cut. At the time, this was my logic. 15-20 years later and slightly wiser, I know cutting won’t rid me of my demons or pains. If anything, I’ll make me weaker knowing I gave into my misery.

Today I have decided to take an anti-depressant. After much thought, reading and research, it became clear to me, that this is the way to go. I don’t know what the outcome of this tiny pill will be; all I can hope for is that it helps me control these extreme highs and lows I have felt for the past while, especially this week.

This week, I have felt defeated. I have felt lost. I have felt hopeless, almost pathetic. I felt like running away. I even lay in bed a few nights ago and thought how my husband and child’s lives would be should I pass-away suddenly. No, I didn’t plan my suicide or even consider doing it. It was just thoughts of am I helping their lives? Am I making their lives any better or easier? Am I giving them happiness? Or are they secretly as depressed as I am because of my depression?

After fighting myself all week, I urgently made an appointment with my family doctor, met with him and gave him the details of this episode. He knows the history, he knows the triggers. He knows it must have been so bad this time around that I HAD to see him immediately. And after a long chat, he prescribed me with Wellbutrin. It’s going to help calm things down, I hope.

I took a pill this morning. anti-depressant don’t take effect immediately. But this is a beginning to managing my mental-health and stability.

Some times a new beginning is all you need.

The Ups and Downs of Life

Sometimes life gives us apples and sometimes life gives us lemons. But all the time life gives us something to learn from, to experience from, to live from. Does that make sense to you?

Sometimes life is a never-ending roller-coaster with far too many turns and bumps. Sometimes its smooth sailing, as if all the winds are in your favor. Sometimes our hearts are content with everything we have and we are grateful. Other times it doesn’t matter how much we have, it’s still not enough.

I’ve gone through this emotional roller-coaster for the past while. There are days when I am happy and at peace with my life; everything seems perfect. I get these funny feelings, mysterious thoughts and unexplained giggles. Nothing could go wrong on those days to bring my mood and spirits down. Those days are the best. I love everything and everyone in my path on those days.

Then there are the days when a black cloud over my head follows me around and rains on everything I seemed to love and be proud of just 24-hours earlier. Nothing seems to go right. I feel miserable and disgusted with life and everything it has. Negativity engulfs me and makes me want to cry. Feelings of resent fill me and make me want to escape.

I get these funny feelings all the time, as if I’m on an emotional roller-coaster all the time. It sucks most of the time to be so high and then so low suddenly. But I’m taking my funny feelings one day at a time and trying to leverage off the high days.

Do you get funny feelings? How do you deal with your ups and downs? Are you depressed? If so, how are you dealing with it?

One Of The Worst Days, Ever!

Yesterday was one of the worst days of my life. In the most sugar-coated way possible, I was turned down for something I have tried so hard to achieve. I didn’t think the outcome would affect me so dramatically but it did and so I had to leave to be alone for a couple of hours to make sense of it all. And through all the emotions of it, I found myself completely alone without a companion to share how I was feeling. My loving husband offered his sympathy, followed by, “don’t worry”, “you’ll get it next time or when one door closes another will open”. But I didn’t want the sympathy, I wanted to sulk and cry and yell and cry some more and I wanted someone to just listen or sit with me in utter silence as I cried. I didn’t need words of endearment or encouragement. No, I needed a shoulder or a hug. I found myself alone, shoulder-less, too confused to even cry. I reached out to someone but didn’t get the reaction I was looking for and was shut out by them too.

Whatever happened yesterday happened. But the worst part is that I was alone through it all without someone to understand what I needed. D is a loving husband and father, the best I can hope for. But he isn’t in tune with his wife’s emotional needs and that leaves us both strained. He hugged me and consoled me when he got home from work and I am grateful for it. But he didn’t understand why I just wanted to mope, sulk in my self-pity and cry.

So, I cried myself to sleep last night. I took a couple of sleeping pills to help ease my mind and heart and woke up this morning as if nothing had happened. But little does anyone know, a lot happened yesterday that bruised me further and pushed me one step deeper into my depression.

My blog is all I have; it is my companion, my slate to write every emotion, every frustration, every fear without sympathizing with me, without comforting me, without consoling me. My blog is my shoulder. With or without the readers that constantly visit my blog, my blog will not change or judge me. I appreciate my readers and supporters; for many of you have provided your love, sympathy and support for so many of my life events. But today, I don’t want sympathy, I want to sulk and cry. Thank you for letting me do that today.

Tamana~

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Why Do We React To Death The Way We Do?

No matter how many hours I sleep, I constantly feel tired. That’s been the norm lately post-surgery. I haven’t felt like writing, reading, talking or doing anything else for that matter. Even at work, my mind hasn’t been able to focus. My mind continues to wander towards the two recent deaths that have happened; my colleague and our family dog. I’m still in shock by both and don’t know how to deal with the loss.

Yes, life goes on and days will pass. But when your heart and mind is stuck on a person or thing that is no longer alive, it is nearly impossible to know when the day came and went.

As I was growing up I saw both my grandparents passing away. Sure, I was sad and had a lot of empathy for my mother. But I did not cry at their funerals and it did not affect me as much. Was it because they were old and had lived full lives? Or was it that I wasn’t close to them that it didn’t affect me as much?

Maybe I was much younger when and didn’t understand death and the effect it had on a person if it ever took place?  Or maybe after becoming a mom, I am just too sensitive (D constantly reminds me of this when I’m bawling my eyes off during sad commercials and soap-operas).

But I wasn’t close to Trish or Hogan either and both of their deaths have brought me to tears over and over. I simply cannot speak of either of them without wiping back tears. Hogan was old. He lived a full life. But Trish was young. I didn’t know her personally. I wasn’t very close to her. But I knew her for many years.

So why did I cry so much for Trish and Hogan and not for my grandparents? Why do we reach differently to different types of death?

Dealing With Hell

It seems like since last October as cheerful and hopeful as I’ve tried to be, my life has just turned into a shit show. Everything is going wrong! Ni is STILL getting fevers every few days, I got into a car accident, my house nearly burnt down, the ice storm took its toll on us, Ni is sick again, my job is hanging from a thread, my boss tries to understand, but doesn’t, over the past few weeks, I’ve had to throw out nearly half my belongings and furniture and things are just not going right.

I’m depressed more than I’ve been over the past few years. I feel like curling up in a ball and screaming and crying my head off. I want to quit my job, pack my life and family up and just run away somewhere where there aren’t any problems. Yeah, I know, problems follow wherever you go. But I can dream of a mystical place where everything is in order and life is pleasant.

I feel like I just can’t catch a break, these days. I can’t quit my job, I need the money, the job market is too difficult to try and find another job after I get life straightened out. I need a break but can’t ask my employer for one, since I’ve had to take so many days off for Ni and myself being sick. But I’m at my whits end. I’m overwhelmed with everything going on and don’t even want to get out of bed (which is a couch these days). I just want to hide and cry.

D tries to see the bright side and keep me hopeful. But it’s not working. There is no bright side to all of this, it’s a dark tunnel of hell from what I see and there’s just no end. I know God tests us with what we can handle and grow from. But seriously, is HE is targeting me and my family? What have I done? Why are we going through all of this and what the heck do I do to fix it?

A Letter From The Heart

This letter is for someone special, he is someone who I’ve known all my life. As a little girl, he was my hero. I looked up to him. But as we both grew older, we drifted apart. We were too much alike and that was the exact reason why we kept bumping heads. We both overheat too easily and can never see each other’s points of view. So, we have spent the last 10 years or so barely speaking with each other. And even though it saddens my heart that we have drifted so far apart, just know one thing; no one can ever take the place he holds in my heart. No one can replace him in the relation we have with each other, as he is a unique human being and no other can sum up to him or the value of him.

Today I want to tell him that life takes all sorts of twists and turns. And although, life has taken on a very bumpy route, please be patient; as the healer of all pain and suffering is time and time alone. With time things will become more clear. With time the heat of the situation will cool. With time broken and hurt hearts will heal. But at this moment there is only one thing he can do and that is to be patience. His one wrong move can make situation much worst. Although the situation is already bad, if he isn’t patient, it can get worst than he ever imagined. So, please listen to me for once and remain calm, don’t do anything in haste. PLEASE! This is my plea to him.

Lastly, I must say, I never intended for all this to happen. I was scared and he left me no choice. I’m deeply sorry for putting him through this. Had I known the situation would have gotten so bad, I would have taken other steps. If he can ever find it in his heart to forgive me, please do. Because I love him from the bottom of my heart and he will always be in my heart. He is irreplaceable. I will never forgive myself for putting him through all of this. I’m so very sorry.

I love him dearly.