Tag Archives: stress

I Ripped The Bandaid Off

I’ve finally resigned from my job. After a lot of deliberation and stress, I’ve finally sent my resignation letter to the HR team. The stress I felt and the bullying I dealt with during my time there by my boss was more than I could handle. It caused me severe stress and anxiety. I am not the type of person that gets bothered easily; however, the constant bickering and rudeness just pushed me over the edge. 

It took me nearly four months to come to terms with why my body was reacting the way it was. After endless conversations with my doctor, we came to the conclusion that part of the reason for my illness was physical but mostly the reason was stress and anxiety I was feeling while being at work. 

I spoke to the HR director and told her everything that went on while I was there. I told her that I loved working there and doing what I was doing was a passion but could not longer handle the bullying and drama caused by my boss and therefore, requested I be moved to a different department. I knew that my request would probably not be feasible; but I had to try. Unfortunately, as I had predicted, it wasn’t and so, I resigned. 

It was one of the hardest decisions I’ve had to make in the past while. Having no income, no financial stability and security and the loss of benefits has me very nervous. However, I had to do what was best for my physical and mental well-being. I had to put myself first ahead of our financial needs. I know, I sound selfish and maybe even childish. But this was a very well-thought-out decision. I had over fours months to come to this decision and it took a lot out of me to pull this bandage off. 

I don’t know what the future holds for my career. For now, I am assisting my husband with his business as his assistant manager of business development, with the hope of progressing my career and learning new skills in the business world. Currently, he has me doing all of the filing, administrative duties and some accounting. I am also speaking with corporate offices and other businesses to bring in more business to his franchise by setting up catering and house accounts. 

I’ve set a monthly target for myself for the amount of business I bring in and new accounts I produce for him. I need to do this for him and his business but more so, for myself. I need to prove to myself that I am capable and with all of the years of experience in the media industry, I have indeed learned a lot and can act on those skills. 

I know I’ve jeopardized my family’s future by quitting my job; however, I have faith in myself and know I will come out of all this on top and succeed. 

Wish me luck, won’t you? I’ll let you know how I do at the end of my month with my target. Stay tuned and pray for me!

Saying Yes To Anti-Depressants Can Change Your Life

star-mirrors

I recently had the opportunity to share my story on the Positive People Army blog. Here’s the story below. The Positive People Army is about people sharing their stories and possibly receive support from the army so that we can all overcome our issues and join together. Here’s my story from the Positive People Army blog. Make sure to check them out!

A year ago, I was prescribed anti-depressants to deal with my depression, I didn’t take them.

There is so much negativity around taking anti-depressant, especially in my Indian culture. Taking a pill to deal with yourself is a sign of weakness and you are labelled as crazy or mentally unstable.

Even my parents had this thinking.

Taking pills for mental health and/or speaking to a psychiatrist meant you were needy and unfit. It was a big taboo.

So, I never took anti-depressant, no matter what happened in my life and how badly it affected the person I was becoming.

Growing up, I was the tough-child. Nothing phased me. I could get through everything without shedding a tear, or so everyone believed. However I cried myself to sleep a million times. Never in front of anyone.

I kept a diary and put my heart and soul on paper. I refused to let my hard-exterior drop in front of others.

This went on for years and years until I finally started cutting myself. Did your jaw just drop at the news of that?

Cutting oneself is a different kind of high that many people don’t understand. When you are battling your worst demons and your heart hurts, it is nearly impossible to rid yourself of the pain you are experiencing.

This is where cutting came in for me. If I could inflict physical pain to myself, then maybe the internal pain would stop. And it did. For some time.

You don’t cut to kill yourself. Anyone that has ever gotten to the point of cutting themselves, knows this and knows how and where to cut. If they don’t, they’ll definitely look it up.

For me, it was this mindset that I needed to do anything in the world to get the pain out of my mind and soul and so I cut. At the time, this was my logic.

Fifteen – twenty years later and slightly wiser, I know cutting won’t rid me of my demons or pains. If anything, It will make me weaker knowing I gave into my misery.

Yet the depression still exists.

This past year year I have felt defeated. I have felt lost. I have felt hopeless, almost pathetic. I felt like running away.

I even lay in bed a few nights ago and thought how my husband and child’s lives would be should I pass-away suddenly. No, I didn’t plan my suicide or even consider doing it. It was just thoughts of whether I am helping their lives or putting them through more misery.  Am I making their lives any better or easier? Am I giving them happiness? Or are they secretly as depressed as I am because of my depression?

After fighting myself all year I finally decided to take an anti-depressant. After much thought, reading and research, it became clear to me, that this is the way to go. I don’t know what the outcome of this tiny pill will be; all I can hope for is that it helps me control these extreme highs and lows I have felt

I urgently made an appointment with my family doctor.

I met with him and gave him the details of this episode. He knows the history, he knows the triggers. He knows it must have been so bad this time around that I HAD to see him immediately. And after a long chat, he prescribed me with Wellbutrin. It’s going to help calm things down, I hope.

I take a pill every morning. Anti-depressants don’t take effect immediately. But this was the beginning to managing my mental-health and stability.

Sometimes a new beginning is all you need.

That beginning moved me towards a new me. A less emotionally charged and unlikely quickly agitated me.

The pills helped, there’s no question about it.

I used my energy to do more and become a domestic diva. I pushed myself to try new recipes and elaborate my skill of cooking. I invested my efforts and time in creating selling sunburst mirrors.

The mirrors reflect a piece of me bursting out like the rays of the sun, to shine and shimmer in my house and life. I look at my wall of mirrors and each one tells me a story of a day or week I felt weak but overcame my weakness.

They are my pride and my happiness hanging on the wall. I sell my mirrors because I want everyone I know and the ones I don’t know to have a burst of shine and happiness in their lives and with all the money I raise, a small portion of it goes towards a happy evening of food and family celebrating.  The other portion goes towards helping a charity I strongly believe in.

I know enjoy celebrating. This is now what my life is all about.

Anti-depressants helped me re-start my life.

A Couple Of Days Away

  I’m flying out to Detroit this evening for work. I’m excited to be taking a mini trip for work-related reasons as I haven’t had the opportunity to travel with my previous job. I’ll be home on Thursday afternoon, so it’s a pretty quick trip. But nonetheless, it’s a couple of nights away and I get to be on a plane; which I always love. There’s just something about being up in the sky, above the clouds, the take off and landing that certainly excites me. 
I had a very shitty last week. Everything that could go wrong at work, did. It was as if before one clusterfuck could end, another would start. Then my car’s emissions failed and ended up costing me a pretty penny to get fixed. Finally, the end of the week had me feeling a little better, as it was my birthday and my darling husband surprised me with so many things and kind gestures. I certainly felt loved and mich better about the week that had just passed. 

But yesterday came and I thought I was going to die. My car’s brakes failed while I was in the middle of the morning rush. Bumper to bumper traffic and my car wouldn’t stop. The split second from me realizing what was happening to finally getting the vehicle stopped, I saw my life flash by me. Thankfully, I wasn’t injured, the car will eventually be okay after a lot of money and servicing. But I was slightly traumatized by the experience. By the time I reach the mechanic, I was shaking and couldn’t help but cry. I called Dev and my boss to explain what happened and told them I was going to go home. 

For a long while though, I just said at the bus stop and didn’t move. I was confused and nervous and very much miserable. I got on the bus to go home but halfway there decided it would be better to go to work, especially with this trip looming over my head. 

I am fine, physically at least. Emotionally, I feel on edge and a bit unstable. A lot of little things and this big thing have happened over the past few days, I feel spent. So, I’m praying and hoping that this is the end of it for the next long while and this trip to Detroit will be refreshing and will tone down the crazy that has been my life over the past few days. 

Alright, I’m off now. Enjoy your week and don’t let the craziness of the ups and downs get the best of you. Xoxo

~Tamana

Self-Help Rememdies To Calm Your Anxiety

A friend recently reached out to me to get my advice on anti-depressant medication and how she can manage her anxiety. This friend is a strong woman, who strives on only using natural remedies and I doubt she ever takes real medicine unless it’s necessary. I was a little taken-back when she told me she was suffering from anxiety. I haven’t seen her in a long-time, but from what I remember of her, she was always such a calm, cool, easy-going person. I used to look up to her as an older sister because she was so confident and successful.

So, when she told me she was seeking help for anxiety, I was a bit shocked. I know she’s stopped working and is a stay-at-home mom for 3 beautiful children, but anxiety? I guess, it’s understandable. Having just Ni to take care of sometimes does its toll on me and makes me feel like escaping. But she’s got three little ones. Plus, the house chores, groceries, laundry, running errands….yes, I guess, anxiety is very understandable in her case. Matter-of-fact, in any mother’s case.

I strongly recommended she not take anti-depressants unless she absolutely needed them. I’ve taken anti-depressant for many years, off and on and if you can do without them, I would suggest, staying away. Anti-depressant medications are great, they calm you down, relax your crazy thoughts and even help you go to sleep. But they’re only great until they are not. There are an array of side-effects and they are very addictive (even if you don’t have an addictive personality).

I’m not shaming anti-depressants. They work for some people very well. But for me, I try to avoid them. So, I suggested to her to begin writing down her thoughts. When my depression nearly killed me, I wrote, it helped more than I can explain. You don’t write for someone to read your thoughts. You write to let out whatever it is you’re battling within yourself. Sometimes, I wrote ten pages, sometimes only a single word. But it helped. I’ve asked her to buy a journal from the Dollar Store and begin taking a couple of minutes everyday to write what she’s thinking, how she’s feeling, what she did that day; was it good or bad, did she enjoy it or want to change it?

Aside from writing, here are a couple of other things that help me ease my depression and anxiety:

Chamomile Tea:
They say drinking chamomile tea helps calm you down and relaxes your anxiety. I’m not a fan of chamomile tea because I just cannot tolerate the taste. But if you can look beyond the taste, it has similar compounds that bind to the brain receptors such as drugs like Valium to help calm anxiety symptoms.

Green Tea:
Green tea has an amino acid called L-theanine; which helps regulate a fast heart-rate and blood pressure and may also help reduce anxiety. Add some honey to the mix and you may as well have one of the best soothing drinks to relax yourself before bedtime.

Lavender:
Lavender is known for its relaxation, healing powers. I burn lavender candles, burn incense and even spray lavender and vanilla air-freshener in my apartment before bed to help me fall asleep. Glade makes an amazing air-freshener that really freshens up the place and has a long-lasting scent; which isn’t too strong.

Eat a piece of chocolate or chocolate cake:
This remedy is probably a cause of me being over-weight. But it helps. There is something in chocolate that really satisfies the mind and relaxes the body. So, have some chocolate (not too late at night though) and calm your senses.

Practice breathing:
I’ve read on many websites that in the middle of an anxiety attack, it’s hard to focus on your breathing and breathing exercises just do not work. But I’ve tried it, before and during an attack and I can honestly say, if practiced regularly, it will help. Sometimes taking in a deep breath and releasing it slowly does relax your body, calm your heart-rate and feel like you’re releasing your tensions.

I regularly practice breathing by counting while I’m doing it. 5 seconds to inhale, hold for 5 seconds and release for 8 seconds. I do 5 sets of these and it truly calms me right down.

Take a hot shower or warm bath:
There is something about hot showers that help me release my tensions and I always come out of the bathroom after a hot shower relaxed and at ease with myself. Sometimes, I cry my heart out in the shower, sometimes I just stand there letting the hot water hit my skin and zone out. Sometimes, I listen to music and even talk to myself (yes, I sound a little crazy, but it helps! Don’t judge.)

And if all else fails me, I hide in the bathroom for ten minutes, yell at the top of my lungs if no one is home and then come out slightly calmer. I hope some of these remedies and ideas help my friend out and you out.

Do you have anxiety or depression? If so, share your tips and secrets with dealing with it and staying sane!

Back to Work

Yesterday was my first official day back to work and I won’t lie, it was hard being here all day after so many days. I know it’s only been 3 months, but a lot can happen in 3 months. Colleagues have quit, friends are retiring, someone got fired, products are closing down, new ones are launching, new people have been hired, the list just goes on.

But the one thing that truly surprised me yesterday was my bosses attitude and reaction to seeing me back in the office. He’s a hard person to impress. He stresses me out and even intimidates me somewhat. He’s caused me to breakdown and cry in front of him and has once even made me feel incompetent. He’s one tough cookie and it’s extremely difficult getting on his good side. But God bless the Lords above, because something changed with this man and me yesterday. He welcomed me back, asked if I was feeling better and actually showed some sort of empathy towards me. I walked out of his office yesterday a little stumbled at how well my meeting had gone with him.

It’s weird coming back after so long, seeing so many changes and then suddenly being greeted by someone you report to, who normally wouldn’t give you a second thought even if your life depended on it.

Anyway, yesterday was an overall good day. Pain-wise it was very difficult. But mood-wise and work-wise, it went by smoothly.

By-the-way, the update with the doctors is that I have bursitis in my right hip; which has caused all my misery. I started 2 weekly sessions of physiotherapy and massages last week. I haven’t felt much relief yet from either session. Actually, I was in more pain than I was prior to the sessions. But they say that the first couple of days are hard as your body adjusts to the pressure and stretching.

I’ll wait and see how this week’s sessions go and update all of you with my results. Happy Tuesday, lovelies. Thanks for sticking by me through my rough times and always coming back to check up on me.

The Update I’ve Procrastinated To Give

A couple of months ago, my life changed drastically. My house, my world and family turned upside-down. This change or roller-coaster I’ve unwillingly been placed on has totally messed up everything that was going smoothly. We’ve had to change the way we live. Change the way we sleep. Change the way we act.

A couple of months ago, I discovered bed bugs in our home. These little blood-sucking termites are the termites of all termites. They just don’t go away until you throw everything you’ve ever owned out the door and start anew. The come back or hide in the sneakiest of places and wait for the perfect moment to evolve into a colony to take over your bed, bedroom and home on the whole.

Yes, there are exterminators available to get rid of them. But if the exterminator isn’t trained properly and lacks experience, you can bet your life on it, you won’t rid yourself of them. That’s exactly what has happened to me over the past few months. I did everything in my power to prepare and eliminate them. But just keep coming back. With three weeks to my surgery left, I’ve had to make a very hard decision; to move or get rid of everything we own and start anew? Moving isn’t feasible right now; my surgery, upcoming trip to India and the lack of time have all that decided. But starting anew is also a very tough decision to make and act on.

How do you just throw out everything you’ve ever owned, bought with love and excitement? How do you just make your for-time-now, picture perfect home lose everything you’ve spent so much hard-earned dollars on? How do you wipe the slate blank and start fresh? And throw it all, how to be the support your family needs you to be without breaking-down and losing hope?

I’ve had to do all that these past couple of months. I’ve thrown out so much clothes, linen, brand-new furniture, carpets, and baby-stuff over this time and I’m still not done yet. Over the next couple of days, I have to throw out every single piece of furniture I have left in my home. I have to re-wash every piece of clothing, linen and rugs we own and pack them in plastic garbage backs and then plastic containers and move them into the balcony. All of this before the exterminator arrives on Wednesday morning.

So, yes, I’ve gone MIA from my blog for the past few weeks/month. But my intent wasn’t to abandon all you or my blog forever. Life has been a cluster-fuck since the beginning of this year. And although, I am tackling my issues one-by-one, it’s hard to stay positive and focused on other things besides the task at hand.

Once again, I apologize for not being here and letting all of you know what’s going on. It’s not an easy topic to discuss and has taken a lot of courage to finally put this update up here. But after Wednesday I should be in a better place and will be able to give more time to all of you and my blog. So please be patient and come back for the updates I love providing.

Xoxo
Tamana~

Related Articles:

Getting Back To Blogging

It’s been a while since I’ve written a post where I wasn’t horribly depressed or stressed. But today I am neither. I feel like I am returning to myself again. Of course, with one small change and that being I’m going to be a mommy soon.

The past few months have been extremely hard for me. I’ve gone through a lot and experienced a lot. You know it’s true what they say about pregnancy changing you. I’m a completely different person and for the few months I was a different person.

But I realized that through it all, I missed being me. I missed writing my thoughts, hopes, dreams and even frustrations down. I missed this part of who I am. So, I’ve made a vow to myself that no matter where my life takes me, I will never give up my writing again.

I’m back! 🙂 and eagerly looking forward to get back to daily writing and sharing all my thoughts and hopes with all of you again. I just hope you’re all still here waiting to hear back from me.

Will write again soon! 🙂

Until then xoxox