My mind has been playing games with me daily, I have been having extreme highs and even more extreme lows. One day, I appreciate the world, the things around me, the people that haven’t strayed away from me and the things I have. The next day, I feel confused, baffled by my lack of energy and determination to go on, alone, depressed and a general hatred for humanity.
I have put myself in situations that may seem stupid or unnecessary to an onlooker, but deep within the depths of my soul, I know these situations were a long-time coming. I stirred the pot and am now paying the consequences of my interference.
But I have come to realize that when you want a change, when you want betterment, when you realize your self-worth and demand it from the people and things around you, it becomes a journey you have to go through alone.
Yes, there are a few souls I am blessed with who check-up on me from time to time, wanting to make sure I am still here and wanting to know that I haven’t let my darkness overcome my soul. These souls, I am ever so grateful for.
However, I cannot be completely open with any of them. I have found myself hiding bitter details from every one of them, whether it’s one thing or another. The soul that truly knows me is the one I hide my miseries from the most because that soul is burdened by their own situations and wouldn’t be able to carry the weight of mine along with theirs.
So, on the nights when my soul and being is dark, low and disturbed, I find myself feeling extremely low and yearning to let everything out. The weight of these burdens feels overwhelming and exhausting causing me to feel alone.
In this moment, the loneliness I feel is beyond any loneliness I have ever felt.
I am coming to realize and understand (slowly), that this is a journey I need to go through alone. No one can save me from the situations I have caused, except for myself. I just wish that all the energy, love and time I had sacrificed for others was reciprocated right now, because fighting your demons on your own is a lonely and scary scenario to overcome.
But I still stand alone and will stand alone for as long as it takes to overcome this chapter of my life because as the saying goes:
“This too, shall pass.”