Tag Archives: Ziddi

Eat. Pray. Love.

Today I am leaving for my 17-day, solo trip to Phuket, Thailand. I know I said I would tell all of you about this trip a while ago, however, it’s taken me a lot of courage to pull this trip into reality. It’s been months of talking about, planning and finally working up the guts to put it into action. I literally cried the day I finally booked the ticket and paid for the hotel.

Originally, what was just a random idea, a thought that began over friends making never-to-happen plans, developed into a need that had to be fulfilled.

I have always dreamt of taking a trip by myself, venturing out in a new city alone and discovering beauty in a different culture and lifestyle. However, I never thought I would be able to fulfill that dream due to my responsibilities and family life. But here I am, sitting at the airport shaking with nervousness and anticipation.

My Medical Office Administrator course is complete. I am graduating on October 24 with honours. My name has been put into the name of eligible students to become a valedictorian. I have done exceptionally well with this phase of my life and I am proud of myself for taking on another venture and succeeding beyond my own expectations.

I have been a decent mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend to my circle. However, with the requirements of fulfilling those relationships, I have stopped being a good me. I have lost myself. I have forgotten who I was and who I wanted to be. I have let myself run towards life without actually knowing where I was heading or wanted to end up.

Every time I catch myself running, I stop dead in my tracks and realize that I don’t know where I want to go. I have been questioning my motives and desires. I have been resenting my relationships because they have taken so much of me away from me. I have started to become destructive and careless with how I treat myself.

I am tired of dieting and trying to lose weight. I am tired of questioning my deen and faith in Allah. I am tired of loving everyone unconditionally and giving my all. I am tired of being everything to everyone and nothing to myself.

I am exhausted.

This trip is a journey for me to find myself. To eat and of course, drink guilt-free without putting myself down or worry about how I’ll look after gaining yet another 10 pounds. It’s a trip for me to find peace through prayer and devotion. To sleep in without worrying of responsibilities and staying up late without caring about the dark circles under my eyes. It’s a trip for me to find love within myself, to assess and analyze my relationships and friendships and understand them. It’s a trip for me to find me, again and come back stronger, wiser and more determined than ever to make my goals happen!

This trip is also an opportunity for me write that book I’ve been writing for the past 5+ years. Yes, I’m referring to my autobiography; which isn’t an autobiography anymore and has become a story. A story about unconditional and incomplete love. A story about devotion and belief in another soul. A story about endless tests passed and lessons learned. It is a story about a million wishes and desires and how life can happen but what is meant to be will always find its way back to you.

It has taken me many years to come to terms with the fact that this is what my reality is and this is the life I have chosen. Now that I have realized so many truths about myself, it has become important to write the story. I strongly believe that when you can tell your story without crying or breaking down, then and only then have you healed by what you went through. Today, I am ready to tell my story; which is why I have begun writing again. I’m hoping to spend time on this trip and plan out the chapters and continue writing from where I left off five years ago.

Anyway, back to the trip, I’m about to board my first flight. I am flying from Toronto to Shanghai and then to Phuket. Unfortunately, I have a 20+ hour layover in Shanghai before my flight to Phuket. Thankfully, my CIBC Gold Adventura Visa gives me access to 1000+ VIP lounges across the world. Free food, drinks, showers, Wi-Fi and possible sleeper chairs are only some of the perks of the lounge and card. So, I’ll definitely be uploading photos on Instagram while I’m waiting for the connecting flight to Phuket and I’ll try my best to post when I can.

Wish me luck and send positive energy and prayers my way. I hope I find myself again, come to terms with the decisions I need to make, find my path and of course, get over this writers block. Until then, stay blessed, connect with me on Instagram (@ziddi) to see my adventures and come back to read all about my travel through Phuket! Xoxo

~Tamana

It’s Time To Silence Myself

silence

The past few weeks, it seems as if I am bumping heads with my loved ones. My personality, overthinking and mentality isn’t fitting in with the main characters of my story. A day or so ago, one of the characters blazed me for the way I’ve been behaving and rightfully so. They stated that before I complain about the characters in my life, I should evaluate my own behavior. As stubborn as I want to be and deny that this person is right, the truth is that they are absolutely right.

I have been letting my overthinking and desperation of feeling something more than anger get the best of me. I have been so lost in my own mind and focused on the things I need in my life right now that I haven’t focused on the needs of the other characters in my story. I haven’t looked at their struggles or how they’ve been feeling because I have been so caught up in my own feelings.

I have always been the type of person to speak my mind. I have lived by the theory that what is in my heart should be on my lips and maybe that’s why I have a limited amount of people that actually understand me. Most people nowadays don’t want someone who is outspoken, who doesn’t sugarcoat their thoughts and has no filter. Everybody talks about wanting someone real and raw but when they find someone like that it becomes too much to tolerate.

I have started to realize that it’s time I change those things about me. I need to stop being so open with my feelings and letting my circle know how I feel, what I want, what I dream of, what I wish for, what my desires and expectations of them are.

After all these realizations, I believe it is time to let others speak and for me to listen. So, I’m silencing myself, putting a lock on my mind and heart from letting anything out, except for on my blog because this is my place and no one is allowed to silence me here.

~Tamana

Living A Half-Life

image-3There are certain things in my life that only a very few number of people know about. There are things about me I’ve hidden from the world due to family restrictions and reputation and because culturally people may not understand why I chose to make the decisions I made.

Sometimes, I feel like I am living a lie as if only part of my life is true or real because the other part is so deeply hidden between the creases of my lies. The people that know my truths understand why I wear the masks I’m forced to wear. Yet, inside me, there is a fire that has begun raging for me to take off the masks, to come forth with all my truths and let whoever gets hurt in the process of my unveiling, get hurt.

I am not scared of being accepted, I don’t care who accepts me for who I really am, as the ones that have stood by me through this hidden life are the only ones I need to accept me. Yet, I worry what an unveiling as such would do to those other relationships that aren’t as deep as the ones I cherish, but close enough to make me consider or worry about the consequences of my truths.

I wish we lived in a time when everyone was accepted for who they truly are and what they believe and not judged for it. I wish there was a time when you could openly tell anyone and everyone what was hidden deep within your soul without having to worry about losing them. Although the world has advanced so much, the human race seems to be going backwards. Instead of accepting and loving one another for who we are, we have become overly sensitive, get offended easily and judge one another before even considering the reasons behind the person’s truths or decisions.

For now though, until the world and people’s mentality changes, I’m stuck living this half-life, half-lie of who I really am and it’s unfortunate because, in this moment, the urge I have to be real has never been more.

~Tamana

Happy Mother’s Day

Mother’s are one of those people that can never be replaced. No matter what definition you use to describe a mother, it is never enough because there are not enough words in the English dictionary to define her. She is our friend, our companion, our saviour, our guide, our understanding, our knowledge; she is everything and there is no one before her and no one after her, except the Almighty.

Growing up, I knew she would always be there for me in my time of need. But as I aged, especially when I turned 30, I realized that she was everything. She became my best friend and me, hers. The bond I have with my mother is one that I only pray I have with my own daughter when she’s older and wiser.

Happy Mother’s Day, mom! I love you with all my heart and only pray I can be even half the type of mother you are.

Wishing all the mothers, grandmothers, aunts and sisters a beautiful Mother’s Day!

~Tamana

Transformation, From The Inside Out

Since I made the decision to finally lose weight and get healthy, it was important to realize that my physical appearance has a lot to do with the way I feel about myself and not just what I see in the mirror or what others see. It has to do with my mental and spiritual health and that has to begin with getting the negativity out and positive energy in. It must also consist of positive self-talk. But when we have resentment or anger hidden within us, it’s nearly impossible to feel good about ourselves and others.

I have always been an advocate for keeping a diary or journal, because those are our raw thoughts that no one else is allowed to see or know. So, I took a trip to Indigo and spent way too much on a rustic leather journal for myself; a small incentive for thinking about and focusing on myself first. However, I cannot walk around with the journal all the time due to the bulkiness of it. So, I have been writing notes to myself with the date and timestamp on my iPhone notes and then later rewriting them in my fancy journal. I know, the double writing (and typing) may seem tedious; however, I have found that as I read back what I wrote earlier, it helps me reflect and sort out those thoughts and feelings.

Another tactic I have found to work towards bringing my mind and heart to peace is that I have began telling people how they make me feel. I am confronting people when things upset and hurt me. No, I am not fighting anyone, but yes, I am speaking openly. On the flip side, if someone makes me feel special or warm with something they say or do for me, I make sure to let them know that as well.

I am going through a phase of transforming who I am. I feel like I am shedding layers of resentment, anger, and unhappy thoughts. I am also realizing that I have many hidden thoughts that need to start coming out so that I can deal with them and move on. This has led me to feel more comfortable in my skin. I’m still not sleeping as much as I should, however, I am not feeling as uneasy anymore.

Baby steps! That’s all I’m focusing on, taking baby steps and everyday doing one thing that makes me feel happy, warm or thankful inside.

 And today I’m thankful for you being here and reading the journey of my battle with myself. Thank you for taking a few minutes of your time to share my life with me. 🙏🏼

~ Tamana

Hello, May!

image1.jpegApril brought with it an array of horrid weather. I’m sick of all the rain, mixed temperatures, snow and dull, grey skies. I hope May brings the complete opposite!

I’m ready for going on walks and enjoying evenings in the park with my little munchkin. I’m excited for our endless evenings on the balcony blowing bubbles and barbecuing and drives down to the Scarborough Bluffs. It’s about time Toronto got some good weather!

Along with all of that, I’m jumping on the healthy eating and weight loss bandwagon again, starting today. I’ve decided to come working out 4-5 days a week with a mixture of low-carbohydrate foods and intermittent fasting.

Early January, I was doing intermittent fasting and it worked well for me, especially with the way my schedule was. My schedule has slightly changed now, however, I find an 18/6 hour timeline will work best for me. Combine the fasting with a no-white diet or low-carb and I should be on my way to finally getting rid of this post-partum body I’ve held on to so long.

I also, recently purchased dumbbells to get my arms toned. I was looking for at home exercises that were easy and effective and came across a couple of videos on YouTube that has been working out pretty good for me. I go through both videos within 30 minutes and can feel my body burning. Those workouts are going to be combined with 40-60 minute walks and once the pounds start shedding off, I’ll incorporate getting myself to the gym for more intense workouts.

But for now, I’m starting with this and I’m not setting long-term goals because if you know my past history with weight-loss you’ll know that long-term goals haven’t worked for me. So, I’ve made the short, easy to achieve goals for myself, starting with a simple weight loss of 7-10 pounds per month. I think, this goal is realistic and can be easily achieved with determination.

For my stretches, I was looking for a video that stretched my whole body and actually made me feel like I was working hard. The below video has been great for doing just that. 14 minutes of stretches, each stretch ranging about 30 seconds and at the end of it, you feel it throughout your whole body. My daughter loves doing these stretches with me and has become a good after-school activity for us 5-6 times a week.

Here’s one of the videos I’m using to lose arm flab. I’m using 5 lbs. dumbbells I bought at Walmart for really cheap ($5 each) and they work great. This video allows me to work my arms, shoulders and helps my posture and is easy enough to do that I don’t lose my determination to do it. I’m using this video 4 days a week and think it is working great for me.

Complete these exercises with a nice 40-60 minute brisk walk and I promise you, you’ll feel like you’ve accomplished the world when it comes to your health.

I’ve only just begun my routine and so, I cannot post any results yet. However, give me a couple of weeks on this new grind and I’ll post some before/after monthly photos.

Until then, enjoy the resto f your week! xoxo

~Tamana

Road Trip

IMG_9897My brain has gone to hell lately. Every time I think about writing, I cannot be bothered to or I cannot figure out what to write. Quite frankly, I have been very distracted lately. There has been too much crap going on at home, school and just overall with me. So, I disappeared for a couple of days with a friend of mine.

We took a 1600 km drive to and from Virginia and Washington DC. There was no planned destination or attractions in mind. Matter of fact, there was no plan at all. I just wanted to drive for as long as we could, blast the music, smoke endless cigarettes, and have the windows down, forget about everyone and everything that was stressing me out and just be free.

It was a refreshing trip, helped clear my head. I realized I needed to get my priorities straightened out and focus on the most important things in my life right now: school and Nid. Everyone and everything else would have to be secondary to these two because they require my attention the most.

I have been messing around with school for a couple of months now and although my grades haven’t dropped, my attendance has become ridiculously poor. I haven’t been sleeping much lately; which ends up resulting in me staying home because my body and brain are so exhausted. The illnesses and clusterfuck that is going on in my head have had me all over the place.

If that wasn’t stupid enough, I realized during my trip that I have not been focusing on Nid as much as I used to before. Not to say that I’ve deprived her of anything or completely forgotten about her, but I have noticed that with my own struggle with myself, I may have neglected her a bit. Over the past few days, I have been concentrating on her and trying to spend a bit more time with her, focusing on the activities she enjoys doing. I have decided to set aside one hour every day where we enjoy each other’s company, play games, study, read a book or go for a walk together. It is mine and her time to do whatever her heart desires.

I’m glad that I was able to take a couple of days away to clear my head. It is very important to take a day or two away from all of your responsibilities to recuperate yourself. It is extremely important to take care of yourself first before you can take care of anyone else and I did exactly that.

Here are some shots from the gorgeous views we encountered on our road trip. I hope they will inspire you to take a road trip yourself or find a way to convalesce your mind.

Xoxo ~ Tamana

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