Tag Archives: @zidditamana

Eat. Pray. Love.

Today I am leaving for my 17-day, solo trip to Phuket, Thailand. I know I said I would tell all of you about this trip a while ago, however, it’s taken me a lot of courage to pull this trip into reality. It’s been months of talking about, planning and finally working up the guts to put it into action. I literally cried the day I finally booked the ticket and paid for the hotel.

Originally, what was just a random idea, a thought that began over friends making never-to-happen plans, developed into a need that had to be fulfilled.

I have always dreamt of taking a trip by myself, venturing out in a new city alone and discovering beauty in a different culture and lifestyle. However, I never thought I would be able to fulfill that dream due to my responsibilities and family life. But here I am, sitting at the airport shaking with nervousness and anticipation.

My Medical Office Administrator course is complete. I am graduating on October 24 with honours. My name has been put into the name of eligible students to become a valedictorian. I have done exceptionally well with this phase of my life and I am proud of myself for taking on another venture and succeeding beyond my own expectations.

I have been a decent mother, wife, daughter, sister and friend to my circle. However, with the requirements of fulfilling those relationships, I have stopped being a good me. I have lost myself. I have forgotten who I was and who I wanted to be. I have let myself run towards life without actually knowing where I was heading or wanted to end up.

Every time I catch myself running, I stop dead in my tracks and realize that I don’t know where I want to go. I have been questioning my motives and desires. I have been resenting my relationships because they have taken so much of me away from me. I have started to become destructive and careless with how I treat myself.

I am tired of dieting and trying to lose weight. I am tired of questioning my deen and faith in Allah. I am tired of loving everyone unconditionally and giving my all. I am tired of being everything to everyone and nothing to myself.

I am exhausted.

This trip is a journey for me to find myself. To eat and of course, drink guilt-free without putting myself down or worry about how I’ll look after gaining yet another 10 pounds. It’s a trip for me to find peace through prayer and devotion. To sleep in without worrying of responsibilities and staying up late without caring about the dark circles under my eyes. It’s a trip for me to find love within myself, to assess and analyze my relationships and friendships and understand them. It’s a trip for me to find me, again and come back stronger, wiser and more determined than ever to make my goals happen!

This trip is also an opportunity for me write that book I’ve been writing for the past 5+ years. Yes, I’m referring to my autobiography; which isn’t an autobiography anymore and has become a story. A story about unconditional and incomplete love. A story about devotion and belief in another soul. A story about endless tests passed and lessons learned. It is a story about a million wishes and desires and how life can happen but what is meant to be will always find its way back to you.

It has taken me many years to come to terms with the fact that this is what my reality is and this is the life I have chosen. Now that I have realized so many truths about myself, it has become important to write the story. I strongly believe that when you can tell your story without crying or breaking down, then and only then have you healed by what you went through. Today, I am ready to tell my story; which is why I have begun writing again. I’m hoping to spend time on this trip and plan out the chapters and continue writing from where I left off five years ago.

Anyway, back to the trip, I’m about to board my first flight. I am flying from Toronto to Shanghai and then to Phuket. Unfortunately, I have a 20+ hour layover in Shanghai before my flight to Phuket. Thankfully, my CIBC Gold Adventura Visa gives me access to 1000+ VIP lounges across the world. Free food, drinks, showers, Wi-Fi and possible sleeper chairs are only some of the perks of the lounge and card. So, I’ll definitely be uploading photos on Instagram while I’m waiting for the connecting flight to Phuket and I’ll try my best to post when I can.

Wish me luck and send positive energy and prayers my way. I hope I find myself again, come to terms with the decisions I need to make, find my path and of course, get over this writers block. Until then, stay blessed, connect with me on Instagram (@ziddi) to see my adventures and come back to read all about my travel through Phuket! Xoxo


It’s Time To Silence Myself


The past few weeks, it seems as if I am bumping heads with my loved ones. My personality, overthinking and mentality isn’t fitting in with the main characters of my story. A day or so ago, one of the characters blazed me for the way I’ve been behaving and rightfully so. They stated that before I complain about the characters in my life, I should evaluate my own behavior. As stubborn as I want to be and deny that this person is right, the truth is that they are absolutely right.

I have been letting my overthinking and desperation of feeling something more than anger get the best of me. I have been so lost in my own mind and focused on the things I need in my life right now that I haven’t focused on the needs of the other characters in my story. I haven’t looked at their struggles or how they’ve been feeling because I have been so caught up in my own feelings.

I have always been the type of person to speak my mind. I have lived by the theory that what is in my heart should be on my lips and maybe that’s why I have a limited amount of people that actually understand me. Most people nowadays don’t want someone who is outspoken, who doesn’t sugarcoat their thoughts and has no filter. Everybody talks about wanting someone real and raw but when they find someone like that it becomes too much to tolerate.

I have started to realize that it’s time I change those things about me. I need to stop being so open with my feelings and letting my circle know how I feel, what I want, what I dream of, what I wish for, what my desires and expectations of them are.

After all these realizations, I believe it is time to let others speak and for me to listen. So, I’m silencing myself, putting a lock on my mind and heart from letting anything out, except for on my blog because this is my place and no one is allowed to silence me here.


Transformation, From The Inside Out

Since I made the decision to finally lose weight and get healthy, it was important to realize that my physical appearance has a lot to do with the way I feel about myself and not just what I see in the mirror or what others see. It has to do with my mental and spiritual health and that has to begin with getting the negativity out and positive energy in. It must also consist of positive self-talk. But when we have resentment or anger hidden within us, it’s nearly impossible to feel good about ourselves and others.

I have always been an advocate for keeping a diary or journal, because those are our raw thoughts that no one else is allowed to see or know. So, I took a trip to Indigo and spent way too much on a rustic leather journal for myself; a small incentive for thinking about and focusing on myself first. However, I cannot walk around with the journal all the time due to the bulkiness of it. So, I have been writing notes to myself with the date and timestamp on my iPhone notes and then later rewriting them in my fancy journal. I know, the double writing (and typing) may seem tedious; however, I have found that as I read back what I wrote earlier, it helps me reflect and sort out those thoughts and feelings.

Another tactic I have found to work towards bringing my mind and heart to peace is that I have began telling people how they make me feel. I am confronting people when things upset and hurt me. No, I am not fighting anyone, but yes, I am speaking openly. On the flip side, if someone makes me feel special or warm with something they say or do for me, I make sure to let them know that as well.

I am going through a phase of transforming who I am. I feel like I am shedding layers of resentment, anger, and unhappy thoughts. I am also realizing that I have many hidden thoughts that need to start coming out so that I can deal with them and move on. This has led me to feel more comfortable in my skin. I’m still not sleeping as much as I should, however, I am not feeling as uneasy anymore.

Baby steps! That’s all I’m focusing on, taking baby steps and everyday doing one thing that makes me feel happy, warm or thankful inside.

 And today I’m thankful for you being here and reading the journey of my battle with myself. Thank you for taking a few minutes of your time to share my life with me. 🙏🏼

~ Tamana

Hello, May!

image1.jpegApril brought with it an array of horrid weather. I’m sick of all the rain, mixed temperatures, snow and dull, grey skies. I hope May brings the complete opposite!

I’m ready for going on walks and enjoying evenings in the park with my little munchkin. I’m excited for our endless evenings on the balcony blowing bubbles and barbecuing and drives down to the Scarborough Bluffs. It’s about time Toronto got some good weather!

Along with all of that, I’m jumping on the healthy eating and weight loss bandwagon again, starting today. I’ve decided to come working out 4-5 days a week with a mixture of low-carbohydrate foods and intermittent fasting.

Early January, I was doing intermittent fasting and it worked well for me, especially with the way my schedule was. My schedule has slightly changed now, however, I find an 18/6 hour timeline will work best for me. Combine the fasting with a no-white diet or low-carb and I should be on my way to finally getting rid of this post-partum body I’ve held on to so long.

I also, recently purchased dumbbells to get my arms toned. I was looking for at home exercises that were easy and effective and came across a couple of videos on YouTube that has been working out pretty good for me. I go through both videos within 30 minutes and can feel my body burning. Those workouts are going to be combined with 40-60 minute walks and once the pounds start shedding off, I’ll incorporate getting myself to the gym for more intense workouts.

But for now, I’m starting with this and I’m not setting long-term goals because if you know my past history with weight-loss you’ll know that long-term goals haven’t worked for me. So, I’ve made the short, easy to achieve goals for myself, starting with a simple weight loss of 7-10 pounds per month. I think, this goal is realistic and can be easily achieved with determination.

For my stretches, I was looking for a video that stretched my whole body and actually made me feel like I was working hard. The below video has been great for doing just that. 14 minutes of stretches, each stretch ranging about 30 seconds and at the end of it, you feel it throughout your whole body. My daughter loves doing these stretches with me and has become a good after-school activity for us 5-6 times a week.

Here’s one of the videos I’m using to lose arm flab. I’m using 5 lbs. dumbbells I bought at Walmart for really cheap ($5 each) and they work great. This video allows me to work my arms, shoulders and helps my posture and is easy enough to do that I don’t lose my determination to do it. I’m using this video 4 days a week and think it is working great for me.

Complete these exercises with a nice 40-60 minute brisk walk and I promise you, you’ll feel like you’ve accomplished the world when it comes to your health.

I’ve only just begun my routine and so, I cannot post any results yet. However, give me a couple of weeks on this new grind and I’ll post some before/after monthly photos.

Until then, enjoy the resto f your week! xoxo


Self-Care & Love

image1 (5)We are bound by the responsibilities and relationships we’ve created for ourselves. We are busy maintaining these every day. It’s very easy to get caught up in the daily hustles and  forget that self-love and care should be an essential part of our daily lives as well.

We are super-mom/dad, super-student/employee, daughter/son, the list goes on and on. We have so many roles we play every single day.

But let me ask you this, how often do you take a minute to sit, reflect and recuperate yourself? How often do you sit back and be yourself, YOU and only YOU, as a whole?

It’s important to take a few minutes, a half-hour, even an hour and just be with yourself; to care for yourself; to do something that you truly love doing and that makes you happy.

Because without self-care, nourishment and love, it is impossible to give our relationships and responsibilities the attention and care they need.

Have you heard the instructions the flight-attendants give before the flight takes off? “Put your oxygen mask on first before helping someone else.” Do you know what that means? It means that you need to take care of yourself first before you try to take care of anyone else. If you are not complete within yourself, there is no way you will be a complete mom, employee, daughter, friend to anyone else.

So, every day, I wake a little earlier than I probably should, make myself a cup of coffee, turn on the news and just sit on my couch and relax. I enjoy the personal time, the quiet, the time where I am not responsible for anyone or anything besides finishing that cup of coffee. I also do this every night after Nid goes to sleep. I sit, I listen to music, I put on a face mask to rejuvenate my skin and relax on the couch before heading to bed.

It’s a simple way to prepare yourself for the day and unwind after a hectic day. It’s my time to be myself, to let loose, to forget everything I worried about the day before and through the day. It’s a way for me to listen to all the noise in my head and sort it out. It’s a time for me to reflect on all the emotions of the day and translate them into what they mean/meant to me. It’s a time for me to write my thoughts down or smile remembering something that made my heart warm throughout the day. It’s my time to be me, just me and for my sanity and productivity.

How do you unwind? How do you give back to yourself what you’ve given out to all your loved ones and responsibility? Is there something you do that brings you back to utter peace and calmness?


Life Is Like A Box Of Crayons

Life is like a box of crayons, it’s up to us to pick what color we’re going to wear and let effect us. Today, I’ve painted my world pink. Pink symbolizes delicacy, a sweetness, playful, romantic, charming, feminine outlook.

It is the universal color of friendship and of the love of oneself and of others.

Pink is the sweeter side of the color red. Whereas, red represents passion, intense love, and heat.

Today, I feel playful, feminine and delicate. My heart is full of love for myself and for the ones around me. I feel beautiful.

We fall, we break, we get torn to shreds but it is up to us to collect ourselves, to transform ourselves and to love ourselves over and over again. And if you know anything about me, you know how many times I’ve broken down and gotten back up again and every time I get up, I feel more in love with myself, more content with my life and stronger as ever.

Don’t let the grey, dull, blackness of life break your box of crayons. Get up, stand up and color your world again! For life is like a box of crayons and it’s up to you to decide what color you’re going to paint your world.

~ Tamana

Happy Anniversary, Mr. S.

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7 years and he’s still melting my heart. Happy Anniversary, Dev!